Catch Up

A little catch up post if you will...

I impulsively joined the gym again this week. If I go 12 times a month, it is free, so I have that motivating me. I also want to run in the Fargo Marathon. We all know that I will not be able to do the full or even the half, but I'd love to do a 10k or 5k. We'll see as it gets a little closer. I can run great outside but treadmill running does nothing for me. I usually quit way too early for it to be effective. I'm giving it another go though, so maybe I'll be in shape enough by the time the weather is nice for me to run outside for longer distances. Whew, hope you understood that.

I am also doing the stair stepper and elliptical machine on a regular basis. Hopefully mixing it up will keep me motivated! When all else fails, I will probably end up going to classes again because having someone yelling at you is a lot more motivating than staring at a wall.

We're starting to get just a wee bit of cabin fever now that it's been a solid two months of "inside only" days. We try to leave the house every day, but that only helps a little. Today, we're going to the library to run around quietly read books in a different environment. Anything's better than sitting in our tiny living room all day every day.

You like the random pictures in between each change in direction? Just trying to keep your attention. :)

I really thought I had more to say than this, but I guess not... 

Last weekend we went to my parents' lake and got to play outside even though it was ridiculously cold. It was fun to just be out of the house!

I assure you that she was dressed much warmer than this when we actually played outside.

We also went to celebrate my grandpa's 85th birthday with some of the family. They living in an assisted living/nursing home so we used the sitting area that was on their floor to have enough space for all of us. It was fun to see everyone, and Josie ran around entertaining everyone. 

Sitting on the floor while we eat... easier to keep her attention this way

Hubby and my uncle 

The birthday boy and his bride with their  second great grand daughter . They have four great grand kids. Pretty sweet!

Last week, I went to a funeral to support a friend of mine (so hard, but so thankful I could go). My dad jumped at the chance to take Josie to work with him. He is a teacher at the Tech College, and apparently whatever he was teaching left room for a 1 1/2 year old to take up most of his time. He had a ton of good pictures and it looks like they had a lot of fun. I took Audrey with me, and she was a little angel, sleeping through the service and being happy and even a bit smiley when my friend got to hold her.

She is so tiny in this room! Can you even find her? Also - notice how they are watching "Bambi" - the students loved it I'm sure!

Excellent student, a bit mature for her age

She loved it! Proof!

Bappa and Josie have become quite the pals these days

(I like how the spelling of my dad's name from his grand kids is always different. Bappa, Papa, Bapa, Boppa, Poppa... someday we'll settle on one.)

Also - Josie is currently singing "trouble trouble trouble" from the Taylor Swift Song "I knew you were trouble". Be still my heart.

Josie says

I saw that title on another blog and I'm stealing it. Deal with it. It's a good one. It may or may not be the start of a new series around here.

So...

Josie says (all the time): "Audrey Joy!" whenever she thinks of her sister, hears her sister crying, hears her sister chattering, sees her across the room... you get the idea. It's so cute. The best part is that it sounds more like "Audwey Choy". He toddler lisp cracks me up. I have no idea where she got the idea to say her full name like that, because I don't feel like we called her by both her first and middle name until after Josie started to. Either way, it's sticking and I hear all of us calling her that more often now. 



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Thoughts

The past couple of days have just felt rough. There's no reason whatsoever, but I just feel frustrated, impatient, antsy. As it so often goes, when I feel this way, little things go wrong left and right. Either I just notice it more because I'm already aggravated, or my impatience causes me to be clumsy. I just know that I can't keep my head above water to just make it through the day no matter how hard I try. 

So today, I thought about it. I prayed about it (not enough), and I was able to put my finger on something that really really helped. 

Have you ever had that feeling that you have really hit the nail on the head? Just knocked the ball out of the park? That you are doing exactly what God wants you to be doing? It's happened to me numerous times in my life, and I'm so thankful that I have felt his will like that. 

Right now, I feel as though I am on the brink of another huge life changing decision. No, we're not pregnant, and no I'm not going back to work. I'll talk about it in more detail later. The point is not to leave you in suspense about something happening here in our lives, but instead to talk about this. When we are right on with God, Satan takes note. He perks up a little, okay a lot, and tries to divert us. 

1 Corinthians 10:13

¹³ No temptation^[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

I have always loved this verse. It pops into my head all the time, and I would bet that I refer to this verse more than any other in the Bible. It came to mind today as I was reflecting on my terrible day(s). God does allow us to be tempted, but he will never allow it to go farther than we can handle. So Satan can try all he wants, but I have what it takes through Jesus to overcome any obstacle he puts in front of me. 

The best part of this realization is even more reassurance that we are doing the right thing. Why else would Satan suddenly focus wholeheartedly on me (us) like this?

I won't make excuses for why our days have been more rough than usual. There isn't any one thing. In fact, they really aren't even that bad. But a few little things going wrong can really make a person's mind frame turn negative, and then it all seems bad. 

Here's what's important. I know that I need to focus even more so on God's will and continue on the path we've decided to take. Isn't it reassuring to know that the battle has been won? No matter how hard it seems now, the outcome is clear. God will lead us through this thing called life, and it is our job to follow as close as we can.

That's all for now.
Good night!



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Monkey Excursions

Confession: I'm skipping over every Valentine's Day decoration/card making post that I come across. I know I'll feel inspired, then just as quickly overwhelmed when I realize that I can't do it or it's not as easy as I was expecting. So. I'll just ignore them this year. Maybe next year I'll be able to pull off the whole she-bang.

Confession #2: Today was tough, and all I want to do is sit on the love seat, read blogs, read my book on kindle, and watch tv. What I need to be doing? Packing for the weekend. AGH. I hate packing ahead of time because there is always something that I have to pack in the morning so it never seems worth it. 

On to the fun stuff...

Last week, we as a little family of four got to go see the coolest thing ever. George! Oh, you don't know which George I'm referring to? Curious George of course. This monkey is the best thing that has ever happened to our girl Jo and when I found out that he was visiting the local library, I knew we had to go. We hyped it up pretty big before getting there, so the minute we walked in (the story had already started...oops!), she was captivated.

After the story was done, everyone got in line to take pictures with the celebrity, George. We chose to just read stories until the line died down. Good choice. Jo loves the books, the library, the monkey - this was the best night of her life!

Let's just pretend that I have make up on, have showered recently, and hubby has not worked a super long week... we were a little ragged by this point... but it was worth it for the experience. Jo really did love it. 

Captivating.

First family photo of 2013... with a monkey. 

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Discovery of a sister

Let this day be remembered as the day Josie discovered that she has a sister that she can play with. Big day around here!

Audrey wasn't quite as excited about it but she's slowly figuring out that this is just how it is. Someday, surely, she'll enjoy it too.

What a great way to start the day (especially since my coffee cup is still half full).

So crafty

I sent my grandpa a birthday card and got a little carried away on the back of the envelope...

To be fair, Josie also colored on the inside of the card (intentionally) so it wasn't just me! Hope my 85 year old grandpa can appreciate it!

Snowed In

It's not actually true, that we were snowed in, but it seemed close enough to the truth.

We were stir crazy so outside we went! I even forced Audrey to come, and although she didn't scream her head off, I don't think she was pleased with the whole ordeal.

I strapped her on with our baby bjorn and pulled Josie around our yard and driveway using our sled. She L-O-V-E-D IT. So funny! I would ask her if she wanted to be done or go inside and she'd say "No?" over and over just in case I misunderstood. She's a hoot.

Her reaction to going outside is pretty much the same as Buckley's. Ears perked, energy level raised, racing to the door in excitement. Too bad we have a hundred winter items to put on before we can actually go outside.

After we were done "sledding", she plopped down to make snow angels unintentionally. She has no idea what a real snow angel is, but I figured this was close enough. I wasn't about to show her with Audrey strapped to me and sub par winter gear on. 

It was fun! It also may have been the last time we'll get to go outside for a while as the temps seem to be going down again. Glad we could get out while we could.

Weekend.

Great dinner with friends that we only get to see twice a year. I love when you don't miss a beat and can pick up where we left off last time.

Church, nursery duty, bonding with kids. Always fun.

A solo jog with the big black dog. He loved it, I surprisingly enjoyed it, will happen again. Soon.

Time with my sister, time as a family, playing in the snow, laughing together. Awesome.

Great weekend, wouldn't trade it for anything.


Chili's

Weeeeeeekend!

Nothing major is happening this weekend. Errands, a dinner with some friends from out of town, church, and more organization. 

Perfect!

Currently: drinking my last (already? yikes) sip of coffee while watching Army Wives with my sleeping babe next to me. This post is an after thought so I'll keep it brief. 

OH and I want to do more with my Silhouette Cameo. I made some labels for the kitchen and LOVE THEM. I will get some pictures once I am completely done in there (so in about 5 years). Think chalkboard, cute shape, adaptable. First project=success. Here's to many  more! (Down goes that last swig of coffee... time to switch to diet coke.)

Have a great weekend everyone!



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Audrey Joy - Two Months Old

On the 18th of January, Audrey turned two months old. The changes that have taken place seem minor, but she has taken a huge leap from  newborn to infant or baby. There is no newborn left in this this little girl. 

We went to the doctor to do the usual check up and vaccines. She screamed something fierce from the shots but calmed down a lot quicker than I had expected as soon as I was holding her. Here are her stats:

According to Babycenter.com, her stats compared to Josie's are:

I was really surprised to see that she is that much smaller than Josie! But then again, these stats for Jo are different than what I was told at the time. These seem more accurate to me because I never felt like Josie was a lot bigger than other babies, and if she had truly been 95%, she would have been, right? Anyways, I digress.

Audrey is HEALTHY. She's perfect. I just like comparisons for the fun of it. She is a peanut compared to her sister, but only time will tell if she catches up or not!

She still loves to sleep and once she gets in to the deep sleep mode, she's out for hours. When she's tired, she gets crabby but it is pretty easy to get her settled down and to sleep by just swaddling her tight and holding her pacifier in (cannot wait for her to figure out how to hold on to that thing!). I'd say nine times out of ten, if she's crying or fussing, it's because she's tired. She just loves to sleep.

She's a great eater. No problems at all! My production has been great and we have had no hiccups since those first couple of weeks.

She's wearing all 0-3 months clothes and has plenty of room left in them for another month or two. We are finally using cloth diapers (finished up the last of the disposables) and I think we'll use the FLIP diapers for her since they seem to fit her body well. She has not had any blow outs with them, which is awesome since she was having at least one a day with the disposables. I was sick of that. Josie is using our other cloth diapers that have stretched out. I initially didn't like them for her since they leaked a lot, but now that she's grown a bit more, they fit great and she's having a lot less leaks. I'm hoping we have a good experience with Audrey and cloth diapers because I really do prefer them over disposables.

She is such a smiler! I feel like she just lives for the moments when our face is hovering over hers. She coos, laughs, and giggles. She loves when we sing or make silly noises. She won't take her eyes off of us the whole time and if we move out of her view and then come back a minute or two later, she picks up right where we left off. It's so much fun.

The other thing worth noting is how much she loves to be held and how much she is a mama's girl. It warms my heart how much she loves to cuddle and when she nuzzles her head into my neck, I could just die. It's so awesome. Combine that with Josie's new thing - hugging and kissing at random - and this mama has the best life ever.

Now for the pictures! Here she is, our little camera-lovin' smiley babe.

Outtakes:

And the comparison of both girls:

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Waiting for THIS

I've been waiting for this day for years. You see, I bought these polka dot headbands when Josie was just a wee little babe. Unfortunately they did not seem to match anything she wore. I tucked them aside, hoping that some day I would get to pull them out and enjoy them again.

Today is the day! Both girls are rocking them and I couldn't love it more. Days like today keep me appreciating being a mom to girls. Its just.so.fun.

New outfit

For you, mom! We were excited that I found a cute top for leggings and boots too. Here they are together. Gotta love the awful phone photo quality with dimly lit hallway lighting.

Too soon? Fluke? Dear God I Hope So

I spoke just yesterday about how we have got the toddler bed sleeping down. I spoke too soon. Even as I was typing it I knew that it could have been too soon, but I was pumped, excited, overjoyed. Now? I'm tired, cranky, and cold (coincidence, but I'm still feeling it. It IS -29 degrees here after all). 

Josie went to bed at 8:00, her usual bed time, last night with the same old routine she does with her daddy. She fell asleep around 11:30. I'll do the math for you since it was painfully obvious to me how long it was taking last night. That's three and a half hours of us sitting by her bed, standing by the door, telling her that she can't get out of bed, putting her back in bed, flipping her over from tummy to back, trying not to yell, taking parent timeouts so we didn't lose our minds, switching off so we didn't lose our minds, sitting in the chair, changing her diaper, switching blankets. Do you get how our night was? The best part is that through all of this, she was laughing, talking, almost falling asleep, smiling. Hardly a tear was shed. It was just thatkindofnight.

Today, I sit with my coffee with sweet Audrey laying next to me. It's a bit cold in here, so the coffee in my hands feels good. I am enjoying the quiet as my oldest daughter takes her nap at 9:00 in the morning. It was needed. She didn't even argue. 

Love that girl.

Don't let Audrey's sweet demeanor fool you though. Last night at around 5:30, she decided that nothing I had to offer was good enough and proceeded to pull me through the wringer for a solid hour and a half. Let's just chalk up yesterday and last night as the day we'll look back on and sigh while thinking, "so glad that's not us anymore." We have plenty of good, awesome, fantastic days, so I'm not going to complain about life in general. It's still great. But last night? I'm glad that's not the norm.





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Puddle Sleeping Antics

We had an alley behind our house growing up. It had the typical dips and sways that old roads have so water collected all along it when it rained or when snow melted. Particularly, at the end of the alley, it was more like a pond than a puddle. 

Me being the older (4 years) and more mature sister, I was often left "in charge" of my sister even though it wasn't expressed out loud that it was my job. One particular rainy day, we were playing with our neighbor friends that just so happened to live right by that pond-like section of the alley. I so wish that I remembered the circumstances more, but my sister had the brilliant idea to lay down in the puddle like she was taking a bath. I knew with all of my heart that she shouldn't do it, I mean I was smart! I was all of eight years old and laying down in puddles was not cool. I couldn't persuade her to get up, so I went home. I know I didn't try all that hard to get her out of the situation, but still. It's not my fault! I'm still a little bitter to this day.

See, once I got home, things took a turn for the worse for this girl. That's not true. Once my sister got home, that's when things really got ugly. She was soaking wet with muddy puddle water, yet I was given the death glare. How could I let her do this? It was all my fault, obviously. I vividly remember that she was not disciplined for it. She was probably given a lollipop or sticker or something for remembering to come back home. (Ok, ok, it wasn't quite that bad)

I'm sure the punishment was appropriate and obviously not worth remembering, but when I remember this particular incident, my heart pounds a little harder for my poor eight year old self who got in trouble for her mischievous sister's muddy antics.



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the Randoms

+ I think we've got the toddler bed training down. I can't believe I am saying this, but Jo's been doing amazing with it the past couple of days. To review: we tried it out months ago and failed miserably. Instead of it getting better each night, the time we spent wrestling/pinning/trying not to scream at her each night got longer and longer and she would get up multiple times in the middle of the night to just wander around. She slept on the floor more of the night than she did on the bed. So, back to the crib she went. This time around, we sat with her until she fell asleep which could be up to an hour. She tested us, sure, but eventually it got better. There was less screaming and more routine. She tossed and turned a lot, but wouldn't freak out as much. Now? We read her a story, tuck her in, say goodnight, and leave. She may or may not cry, and she doesn't get out of bed. SUCCESS. I chalk it up to her being a couple months older.

+ We're hoping to get Audrey sleeping in there by 4 months old. Hubby doesn't know that is my goal, but there it is. She's sleeping in our room and it's fine so far, but she will outgrow that lovely bassinet at some point and I'd like to have her crib trained before that happens. I'm thinking I'll start having her take morning naps in there to start. Any suggestions besides that?

+ We had a great weekend of just staying home. We got a bunch done around the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning) and had my parents here on Sunday to shop and see the girls (and us too I guess). Shopping was a huge success!! I found my tall black boots (finally), got some more leggings, a skirt to go with the leggings, a top to go with the leggings, and a few regular shirts. I need to update my essentials in the closet and it was nice to be able to do it without too much of a struggle.

+ Today we had an appointment with a Pediatrician for Audrey. She's had a few incidents where she seemed to stop breathing during wake time. Her face would turn red and she'd take a few (long) seconds before inhaling sharply and screaming out in fear. It scared us too! I talked to our family doctor about it and she sent us to Peds to make sure it isn't sleep apnea. Thank God it isn't, and hopefully she'll just grow out of it since babies tend to not breathe regularly right away. I didn't know this, but now that I think about it I have noticed it with both girls. They will take a few normal breaths, pause, and then continue. It's not steady like adults until they are a few months old. 

+ I was talking to a friend the other day about staying inside most of the winter and how dreary it can be. Ironically, we were saying that it hasn't been that bad and definitely isn't as bad as we had expected. I was so sure last summer that winter would be awful since we'd be cooped up inside all day with the same scenery, sick of each other. Instead, we're cozy and happy, playing most of the day with enough visits to Grandma a week to keep us from getting stir crazy. It's nice to have these slow months with an infant before the crazy summer months come again.

+ Macy's had their "sidewalk" sale this weekend so I went and checked it out with my sister (who works there) and found awesome deals. To be fair, she found the deals and I paid for them, but I'm happy with it either way! I got coats for both girls next year along with pants, matching tops (love that), and a Christmas dress for Audrey next year (that Jo will probably wear at least once this year since it's gold, not red and green). 

+ I never mentioned it on here, but we got a new vehicle last month! Hubby found a black Ford Expedition that was within our price range. It has one row in the back instead of two since it used to be a cop car, and no middle console. It works awesome because I can jump in the back and sit between the girls when one (or both ) of them needs something. Not having that third row seating is also ok with us because we needed the extra space for our huge dog and all of our stuff when we are traveling, not for more people to sit in it. We were so thankful to find it! The best part is we sold our old Trailblazer this weekend so we are back down to a two car family. It felt good to get that out of our garage since it had been sitting there waiting to be sold for a solid month now. 

A few pictures to keep it interesting:

Pudding face

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Sleigh Ride

A couple of weeks ago, we (along with my sister Lara) went to the twin cities for another family get together with my dad's family. It's become a tradition for us to get together after the holiday season since a lot of the cousins work retail or strange hours and can't get away until after the crazy holiday shopping is done. We've gone on sleigh rides in previous years and usually have supper and open little gifts after playing a gift exchange game. It's always a lot of fun. Last year, Josie was only 7 months old so we went on the sleigh ride without her. This year, we brought her with while hubby stayed behind with Audrey.

What was I thinking? An hour long sleigh ride for a one year old is not a good idea. It wasn't too bad temperature wise, unlike previous years, but the girl wouldn't leave her mittens or boots on. Between three of us, we managed to keep her semi dressed for at least half of the ride. 

I got a few less-than-adequate pictures but they are better than nothing!

She had some big eyes looking at the big horses

Hubby got to hang with Audrey, something he doesn't get to do very often!

Josie helper #1 aka my cousin Lindsay

My cousin's family  - at least we got one good family photo even if it wasn't ours!

After we got back to the house, Josie thought she'd attempt hanging out with the "big" kids. It was fun to see her try, but they were a little intimidating and she found her way back to us pretty quick.

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Smiles

Audrey's smile makes my day! I got a video of her flirting with me a little in between her long slumbers (girl likes her sleep). 

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Memories: THE Teacher

Describe your teachers at school.

I always had something like a dream of what teachers should be like. I loved the idea of a teacher that you could come to with any problem or concern, thought or good news. I was and am a people pleaser, so as a young child I tried extra hard to get the teacher's favor. Looking back, I'm sure I was a little obnoxious just because of my do-good ways. Once I hit middle school, I wanted that same amount of attention and but it had to be masked. I didn't want everyone around me to get the wrong idea of me and assume that I liked the teacher.

Sadly, my desires were not meant to be met. Most of my teachers had lost their passion along the way and therefore did not inspire me in the least. I continued doing the best I could in every single class but rarely actually enjoyed the subject at hand. At the time, I assumed that it was my own fault, that while everyone else seemed to be learning and loving different classes, it was my own problem that I didn't. I've since realized that my teachers were dull and didn't care about what they were teaching. Other people naturally liked these classes (think history or art) so it didn't matter how the teacher was.

I spent years hating history classes. I enjoyed English classes because I liked grammar and writing even though I didn't want to admit it at the time. I hated science though. Oh man, I did not have good science teachers.

Then there was music. Music is my thing, if you didn't know. I tried in my younger years to not let it define me, but it was meant to be and I could not avoid it. My mom is a music teacher and was determined to have musical children. She really hit the jackpot with both my sister and myself because we have taken and run with it more than she probably would have expected or hoped for when we were just little babes. It's in our blood, but it was our environment too. We couldn't have escaped it if we tried.

 To emphasize my destiny, the only teachers I seemed to enjoy and connect with happened to be the music teachers. I look back at them fondly and love getting the chance to see them to this day. I would go to their offices, joke around, pour my heart out, discuss the day, and just get to know them as well while they got to know me. It continued on from high school into college, and now that I am an adult, I consider them my friends.

I didn't get to have THE teacher, the one that I love so dearly and will always remember with exaggerated greatness. Instead, I get to have a handful. They all shared something with me that to this day is still at the top of my list (what list, I'm not sure...THE list). The great thing about music is that it cannot be outgrown. We'll always have that connection. Maybe that is why they have always meant so much to me. Either way, I'll always be thankful for that part of my education in the small little town where I grew up. After all, it IS my thing.

This is the picture I use for my piano studio flyers, taken by my friend Lacey. Fun, isn't it?

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Memories: Dealing with Death Part Two

Picking up where I left off here. (I've got that itch to write again!)

I ended up getting last minute tickets (wow can you say expensive!) to go to Georgia alone. My mom brought me to the airport (three hours away) and sent me on my way. I had never traveled alone, although I had been around the world a bit already in my life so I wasn't worried about that. It just felt so grown up to be flying alone to take care of my deceased father's affairs. Where did my childhood go?

I stayed with the family that he held so close to his heart, and quickly began to see why he loved them the way he did. They were so welcoming and sweet. They shared story after story about him and I hung on to every word. Remember, I only actually met my dad one time. I was only eight at the time and the little that I did know about him was from what he chose to share in letters and what my mom told me growing up. I craved this information about the man that shared my blood, even if that was all we shared. 

There are a few things that I will never forget. When Andrea and her family met me at the airport, she burst into tears. She said that seeing my smile overcame her and she couldn't help but be reminded of him. It turned out that I looked a lot like him, even more so now than before. You see, my dad had always been a big guy and he always had a huge beard. Four or so months prior to his death, he started cooking healthier and finally lost all the extra weight he had been carrying around all of his life. He shaved that beard off and looked like a completely different man, so the man I was picturing in my mind from all of the pictures I had seen when I was younger was not the man that they had known as of late. Sure, I could see that we were related and I knew I didn't look much like my mom, but I didn't really see it to the extreme that she did.

When I looked down at him in his casket (even though it sounds morbid), I was looking at my own face in an older man's body. Imagine how I felt as I looked down with all of these people watching me. I looked just like him, and could immediately see why everyone reacted the way they did when seeing me there. This daughter that he talked about but that they never got to see.  

The funeral was as awkward as any other funeral. There were a lot of people there, coming up to me to express their grief and say how sorry they were to me. I could tell who knew him well and who didn't, because those that didn't truly knew him assumed that we had been close. Those that did know him understood that I had not been in his life much and did not say those awkward things to me. To be treated like this man's greatest treasure when I had not known him made me feel like an impostor, but I also got to know things about him that I will always hold dear.

Walking through his little rented house and seeing all of his belongings was overwhelming. I knew that I'd have to come back to go through it (overwhelming). I got to meet my aunt (who I had met as a child but didn't remember too well) who turned out to be a sweet older lady that shared a strong faith in God with me. She gave me something I would never forget - she told me that in the last year of my dad's life, he had come back to the Lord. He was in heaven. I didn't realize how concerned I was for his soul until she said that. I know that it is between each person and the Lord and that we can never really know, but that was as close to knowing as I could get and it was such a huge blessing. 

I also got to meet my uncle and his wife. When he took off his sunglasses, I felt like I was looking in a mirror. It was surreal, seeing these people that I shared so much physical resemblance with. I had never experienced that before, and it gave me a bit of a bond that I was not expecting with these strangers. My dad was the youngest of four by 15 (?)  years, a bit of an "oops" baby, so his siblings where quite a bit older than him. He was the first of them to die. It didn't seem fair to me that I was meeting his older siblings that were like grandparents to me, but I was thankful that I got to meet them at all.

It turns out that my father, this man that had chose to stay out of my life, had talked about me a lot. You see, he was afraid to reach out to me in fear that I would reject him, but he so wanted me in his life. Honestly, writing this now kind of breaks my heart. I had been so mad at him for not being a part of my life. I wasted so much time being angry and not writing back to him or taking him seriously. He had suggested that I visit once when I was in high school and had even sent me information about a college in Georgia, but I had blown these attempts off because I already "had my life figured out". How I regret that now. 

He had hoped that I would come to him, that he didn't feel that he could come to me at this point in our relationship. Here's the other crazy part. When I walked into his house, there were pictures of me all over the place. He had printed off every picture he could find of me and had them in most rooms. Seeing that he did care, that he did love me, was a great gift to get from this man I hardly knew. I will never, ever forget that.

Later that summer, my hubby and I went back to finish up little details and bring back a truckload of things that I wanted to keep from his things. I kept an old trunk that had been in the family for years, some appliances, a brand new computer, but the things that meant the most to me were the paintings he had. They were painted by his mom, my grandma, who had been a fairly successful painter in her day. Legend has it that one of her paintings that I have of Jesus was hung in the Vice President's office for a while. Imagine that! I have them all around our house to this day (they match my style perfectly) and am proud of this lady who I did not know. My daughter, Josephine, is named after her, mostly because I love the name, but also because I came from her, even though we never met. She passed when I was a young child, I believe.

It's hard to lose someone that you haven't yet gotten to know. I had to deal with guilt from that for a long time afterwards, and never did figure out how I truly felt about the whole situation. How do you grieve for a father that wasn't a father to you? I had a dad already, so grieving for that role in my life was not necessary. I see a lot of him (that I saw from pictures) in my girls and wonder what he would have thought if he had gotten to meet them, his granddaughters. 

I wish I had known him better, but I am so thankful for the life I have and what I did get to know about him.



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