Midweek Confessions

Yesterday, I ate like 15 mini cookies, except I'm pretty sure thy were only considered "mini" because they weren't cooked all the way and hadn't doubled in size like they were supposed to. Sometimes I just wish I didn't know that they were still worth the same amount of calories no matter how much they raised. Ignorance is bliss, especially with cookies.



I've lost most if not all motivation to blog lately, but it's not for lack of material or desire to write. I just can't make the time or focus my attention on it. It's a rut, but even as I type this, I can feel that it's probably not long lasting. Now that doesn't make any sense, does it?

We've been watching Portlandia here and there, and I gotta say, the scenes where the girl (main character) acts like a guy completely creep me out. So weird...she doesn't look manly and her voice is altered by a machine but it just sounds unnatural. Now the guy, on the other hand, doesn't creep me out at all when he acts like a girl. Is this sexist somehow? I'd like to think it's more the acting than anything. What a weird, but often funny, show.




And last but not least, I've been feeling "off" the last couple of days due to random headaches and fatigue. I'm assuming it's from all of the junk I've been eating, so of course, the easy solution is to cut that out and try to just eat healthy. Simple, obvious, okay, go, Sarah. Seriously, do it. Except that instead I've made dark chocolate pumpkin muffins, apple crisp (times two), eaten dark chocolate bars, and candy from a parade (not even good, just around and easy to grab). So there's that. I have high hopes for today, though. High hopes.




 



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Audrey Joy, ten months old

Audrey Joy turned 10 months old on September 18th. This mama actually got the pictures taken with days of the 18th. A true September miracle. 

Full disclosure: I took all of these pictures in about two minutes, some of which was spent running with the babe under one arm to get the comforter (fabric for the month) off of our bed, pulling the shades up for more natural sunlight, getting the babe in place and camera ready, and quickly earning these smiles before the buzzer went off on our oven indicating supper was ready. It was hectic but perfect).

Oh this girl. She continues to crawl around like crazy, pull herself up on all things big and small, and walk with assistance (just one hand though) as often as she has the chance. She's a mover now, completely, for sure!

She is still a big eater, eating any and everything with no dislikes. With big sister throwing mini tantrums every other meal, it's great to have at least one kid who will eat whatever I give her. While she eats all things food, she does get frustrated if it isn't easy to pick up. That's understandable, of course, so we don't hold it against her. She's also very loud if we don't give her enough food. What can I say, girl likes to eat.

Still drinking formula, we're down to only two to three bottles a day (four to six ounces a time) and she has finally figured out how to drink out of a straw, making life easier for all of us. She has her own little water bottle floating around and knows how to pick it up, rehydrate, and go on with her day. It's wonderful.

Sleeping great, goes down happily when she's not starving for her bottle (milk, of course), but is up and ready to go when she wakes up. No more lounging in bed. She stands up, screams out (happily) and ,as always, gives her biggest smile when you come to retrieve her.

She points now, and also says "I'm almost one!" Okay that last part is a guess.

Right around her 10 month birthday, she learned to clap and wave. Cutest.thing.I've.ever.seen. We encourage it often.

 Now that she's moving around more, she's pretty content with life. We've had a few incidents where she found the toilet bowl (lid open, contents questionable) but generally she stays out of trouble much more than her dear big sister did at this age. She loves to find me, climb up my pant legs, get picked up, and then want to be immediately put back down. It's a fun game (for her anyways). She follows her sister around constantly, takes a lot of hits to the head (most of them unintentional), gets tackled constantly, and still manages to smile at me when we make eye contact.

This girl is just so sweet. I kiss her and hug her more than I'd like to admit and am so thankful she's here with us each and every day! I love watching her and Josie interact more and more and her joy is completely contagious.

I'm a little in denial that she's almost one, but not so much that I'm pretending a party won't happen. Invites are partially created (by myself, yo!) and the theme is set. I can hardly handle it, it's going to be fun. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, she's still just a sweet baby (for a little while longer at least).

Those eyes, that smile, that hair (is it brown? red? blonde? nobody knows). She's just gorgeous, right?

Lest you've forgotten, Josie was all over the place at this point so my standards of a "good picture" were a little different. The picture above doesn't represent her perfectly, but it's the best we've got. Her 10 month post can be found here.)

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Losing it, or not

A couple of weeks ago, I was hit with a realization. 

I'm tired of thinking about food.

I've been more or less thinking about food, what it will do to me, how good it is, how bad it is, how much I want it or think I need it, for years and years now. It's been a constant thought in my head almost all of the time.

I've read a few blogs that have shifted focus from losing weight to loving yourself and breaking emotional eating habits. I'm not as concerned about loving myself (because what is my body other than a vessel from God?) and more concerned with just living my life, this life that is so good and a huge gift from God. 

In relation to this post, I'm slowly realizing that I would have time for a lot more if I just chilled out a bit with the whole self image thing. I find myself wondering what the big deal is anyways. Why in the world am I so concerned about how I look? Who is really caring? My life revolves around a husband that has loved me through many (weight) ups and downs, two girls that see me as their loving mother/caretaker, and friends and family that truly love me for me no matter what. I no longer have a job that revolves around tons of people and opinions that aren't always wanted. I'm generally not in the public eye, and even if I was, what is the big deal?? 

More importantly, how am I feeling? That is what I've been thinking lately. Isn't it more important to feel good? Looking good makes me feel great, for that thirty seconds I'm looking in the mirror. Then I forget about it because there are just a lot of other things going on and really it doesn't matter. 

So last week, I turned off my internal food monitor (ha, as if it were that easy). I just ate when I was hungry and (for the most part) stopped when I was full. I didn't snack a ton, and I didn't worry about what I was eating. Honestly, it was quite refreshing. 

Then, of course, life took a turn and things got busy and my emotional eating reared it's ugly head. So I've been eating pretty terribly. Having a sugared up coffee for lunch, chocolate bar for part of supper, crackers and cheese for lunch the next day, you get the picture. 

I'm feeling it now, having headaches, feeling tired, generally without energy. All of that is not so fun. But what I am also experiencing is a feeling of peace. It is refreshing to not be thinking about how many pounds I weigh or if this food is more points than this other food that is actually healthier but is higher in fat. 

I need to find the middle ground. There has to be middle ground. I cannot continue eating like this because it doesn't feel good. I miss having energy and these headaches are mind numbing. I'm fairly certain it is from what I'm eating, so it's important to move back a little. 

But I don't want to move all the way back. I want to be able to live this life and not look back at it thinking, "I wasted so much time worrying about food."

Here is where I am. I do so hope I get to that point soon, where I can make healthier decisions without becoming obsessed. 

Midweek Confessions

It's time for some confessions.

1. I've declared Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood educational TV in our house and now Josie's obsessed with it. I'm relieved because they aren't long episodes and she's not singing any of the songs (yet). Win/win. I am singing the songs though. So there's that.

2. I'm so stuck in the routine of having my morning coffee that even if it isn't particularly any good I still must drink the entire cup. Most days, it gets cold and somehow separates (cream, coffee, coffee beans parts?? gross) but I still drink it.

This is legit the mug I often drink from. It's pretty large which means more coffee for this lady.

3. Lately, my wake up alarm has been the two year old coming in asking various questions including "where's daddy?" (never mind that mommy doesn't even get a "good morning"), "Josie wants a booooook," and "Josie get Audrey up" (a personal favorite, please note the sarcasm). It's not pathetic at all that I can't seem to get up before my girls right? I mean I only woke up to an alarm for like 15 years of my life.

I'm surprised she doesn't walk in saying "feeeeeed meeeee nooowwww" since that's usually my primary purpose to her in the mornings.

4. Yesterday, that same sweet two year old was sitting on my lap and decided it was time to go potty on my lap. We ran to the bathroom but of course I was relatively soaked. We weren't at home, so she got to change into nice dry clothes from the prepared diaper bag while I got to stay in  my wet jeans. By the time we got home, they were dry and I never actually remembered to change clothes, so I sat in dirty potty pants for the rest of the day. Didn't even phase me. They are in the wash now, though, for the record.

Linking up! Click the image below for more confessions.

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Josie says

"Sweetie sweetie sweetie. Why'd you take this off." to Grammy, who had just moved one of the pieces of a 500 piece puzzle. She was really into it for at least a solid minute though.

"Sorry, Audrey, for hurting you in the cheerios on your chair!" while stealing cheerios from her high chair tray. At least she apologized after...?

I have an aunt named Lynne that we see often when we go to the lake. She's pretty fun and Josie obviously agrees. The other day, I asked Josie who she loved. She started out with "I loooove...mama!" Typical answer. I mean, she has to say that, right? So I asked her again. This time, she said, "I looooove...Rahrah!" Okay, she loves her aunt Lara. Not surprising as we had just seen her a day or two before. I asked again, who do you love? Her third answer was, "I love Lynne!" No hesitation. It was fact. Above her grandparents, her sister, even her daddy.

Today, I asked her what her bear's name is. She carries this little beanie baby around all the time so it means a lot to her. First she said "bear!" But I kept prompting her to name it. The name I got was "Clynne!" So now she is trying to mask her love for aunt Lynne by adding a K sound to the front? You ain't fooling anybody, child!

This captures her spirit perfectly

Her favorite shoes. No matter what she's wearing.

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Too short of a life for all of it

I have so many things I want to do. I've become curious, eager to learn, and filled with desire to try new things. For much of my life, I was in school. You know the place, where you are supposed to be learning the whole time you are there, day after day, year after year. But alas, I had no desire to learn then. You see, I took it for granted. Education had always been there and I didn't realize what a blessing it was. My parents are both teachers and I think the attitude of learning was always around me, but I did not enjoy it. I was taught to set and attain goals and I did that well (consider that goal met). I spent all of those years hunting down the next A on a test and squeezing in as much as I could to be the most successful. And I was. I had great report cards to show for it and a very high GPA. 

Then, the period of formal education in my life ended. I joined the real world, where I continued my job that I had obtained in college. I quickly learned about as much as I could learn there because, of course, that drive to master whatever was in front of me was still alive and present. Suddenly, I was bored out of my mind. I don't blame my employer though. I just didn't know how to function without having goal upon goal thrust in front of me. 

I started searching for new goals, new things to master and move on from. Part of the problem was my mind frame. I mean, what is the point of doing something new if your goal is to move on to the next thing? I didn't get hardly any satisfaction from doing the new activity. I just wanted to check it off the list, done and done. I soon found myself analyzing my life. What was I to do now that I wasn't in school? All of that time spent learning did not lead me to a life time joy. I never figured out what to do with my life. 

What hobbies did I pick up, you ask? In no particular order, I dabbled with cooking (something I had very little skill with and had not spent hardly any time on before), working out (on and off, it never stuck), reading (so much reading!), parenting (not so much a hobby, as something for me to become, learn about, and of course do), crocheting, blogging, gardening, DIY crafting, organizing, piano (for fun, not for school or my mom as had been the motivation for most of my life), sewing, watching movies (what, not a hobby? but can definitely take time...), decorating cupcakes, eating healthy (obsessively becoming a vegetarian, or following a paleo diet, or eating only whole foods) and other less significant things. 

You see, I still have a need to learn. What I was forced to do in my youth has become something I want to do. I think that we all have a desire to learn, but how we learn between person to person is different. I'll always need to learn something. But now I enjoy learning new things. I'm so grateful that I actually want to keep learning.

My husband learns from doing. That is so foreign to me, as I just struggle not understanding what I am doing first. He starts out, not afraid of failure like his timid yet determined wife, analyzes what he sees and digs right in. I, on the other hand, like to know exactly what is going to happen before I do it. I research by reading as much as I can about it or listening to someone who can explain it thoroughly and then dig in once I'm sure I understand it. 

It's just the way I like to learn. 

All of that to say, I'm struggling right now with all of these learning desires in my life. I've been warned to not lose myself in parenting. Sarah is a person too, and it's no good to myself or my children to only live for them. I have no desire to make my children into gods that I worship only to have them look down on me later for not being my own person. Yet I'm also told to love them as much as I can, help them learn, guide them the best people I can help them to be. It's conflicting, can't you see? How can I do both? 

The obvious of course is that I can pray about it. Pray without ceasing, something I'm better at in theory than in practice. Practically, how do I do that? 

Of all of the hobbies I have picked up, I few stand out now that I have a huge desire to continue.

Reading. I can read such a huge variety of material, stories, books, blogs, etc and not feel like I'm learning enough. Yet that realization that I can learn about just about anything through reading keeps me trying to keep up with my  never ending and always growing reading list. There is just so much out there I want to read.

Running/Strength training. Part of this is that I want to be healthy. I'm tired of focusing on food and have been considering my future with this struggle and what I am going to do. More on that in another post. One thing I know is that I enjoy running (when I'm physically able to do it of course, thankyouverymuch stress fracture).

Piano/music. I have a huge love for playing piano. Lately, I've realized that I kind of like composing music as well. It's completely foreign to me, yet I kind of get giddy when I think about doing it. I have the tools to do it, now it is just a matter of giving myself time to do it. The thing with composition is that it takes quantity as well as quality to truly grow. 

Writing. I knew growing up that I was decent at writing. Particularly, the grammar part of it was no problem. I got stuck in a world of liberal teaching and encouragement and it turned me away from it. Not because I was close minded or not willing to expand my views, but because it was stuffed in my face in a "no tolerance for anything else" kind of way and it made me sick. I had no idea that I could write about what I loved or felt in my heart without being corrected for being "wrong." It makes me sad to look back on my years of education and see that pattern and path I couldn't get off. What could have been had I been influenced differently? Regardless, I've learned how truly therapeutic writing can be and the more I do it, the more I want to do it. I also believe that my personal writing style only improves over time and again, quantity is necessary just as much as quality. It won't all be good, but it will get better.

Cooking/Baking. As the main cook in the family, I will always be trying to improve this area of my life. I enjoy it and have to do it so I might as well continue striving to be better.

Organizing. I get so much joy from managing a house that is organized. It takes time, though, and sometimes that time can be better spent. I have to learn how to juggle this so that I'm not just wasting time moving things around, reading how others do it, and staring at my closets/drawers/shelves to figure a new system out.

History. My trip to Europe while in college opened up a whole world to me of the past lives lived. You know that class we take in school called History? Well it turns out, I should have loved it. I just didn't, because my head was foggy with the wrong understanding of why we learn. Now, though, I cannot get enough of it. Real life (picture field trips, adult style), reading anything I can get my hands on, and listening to various forms of speakers keeps me wanting more more more. It used to just be Eastern European history, then slowly Western European, and now (gasp) even American history has become interesting. Then, just the other day, I heard something about Latin American history and I knew that at some point I'd become obsessed with that too. This world is so fascinating.

Then of course, there are things I have not yet learned, but want to learn. I would love to get a nice camera and take decent pictures. I'm not as interested in mastering photography (yes, you heard that right! Sarah, the super perfectionist, isn't wanting to master it? There is growth happening over here, at least a little). I would just like to get a little better and have a higher quality starting point (since my phone camera is pretty much the bottom when it comes to quality).

How do I do this all? I'm still working on that. Part of my problem is that I feel guilty when I do take time to do my hobbies. Again, there are whispers (lies) that I hear in my own head and from around me that say that I am being selfish, putting myself ahead of my children when they need me and I should be enjoying them. Of course I should be enjoying them but isn't it possible that maybe I can do both? Isn't it possible that they will see me doing these things and maybe, just maybe, want to join me? Want to learn for fun and not just because they have to? 

And of course, the whole purpose of my life is to praise God, glorify Him in what I do, and not become self obsessed and focused on sin more than Him. 

So that is where my heart is at right now. I haven't figured it out. I'm likely to come back to this on the little old blog. But as I said before, writing is therapeutic. I can process things better when I write it out. Hearing from you helps too. Hearing ideas, encouragement, suggestions, kind words, all of those things are a perk to writing publicly. Bear with me as I figure out how to live this life I'm given in a way that doesn't always have me pulling my hair out, sitting complacently in front of a TV, or crying on the bathroom floor (figuratively speaking, this doesn't actually happen. Usually it's on the couch or in the shower). 

It is possible, I hope.




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