Losing it, or not

A couple of weeks ago, I was hit with a realization. 

I'm tired of thinking about food.

I've been more or less thinking about food, what it will do to me, how good it is, how bad it is, how much I want it or think I need it, for years and years now. It's been a constant thought in my head almost all of the time.

I've read a few blogs that have shifted focus from losing weight to loving yourself and breaking emotional eating habits. I'm not as concerned about loving myself (because what is my body other than a vessel from God?) and more concerned with just living my life, this life that is so good and a huge gift from God. 

In relation to this post, I'm slowly realizing that I would have time for a lot more if I just chilled out a bit with the whole self image thing. I find myself wondering what the big deal is anyways. Why in the world am I so concerned about how I look? Who is really caring? My life revolves around a husband that has loved me through many (weight) ups and downs, two girls that see me as their loving mother/caretaker, and friends and family that truly love me for me no matter what. I no longer have a job that revolves around tons of people and opinions that aren't always wanted. I'm generally not in the public eye, and even if I was, what is the big deal?? 

More importantly, how am I feeling? That is what I've been thinking lately. Isn't it more important to feel good? Looking good makes me feel great, for that thirty seconds I'm looking in the mirror. Then I forget about it because there are just a lot of other things going on and really it doesn't matter. 

So last week, I turned off my internal food monitor (ha, as if it were that easy). I just ate when I was hungry and (for the most part) stopped when I was full. I didn't snack a ton, and I didn't worry about what I was eating. Honestly, it was quite refreshing. 

Then, of course, life took a turn and things got busy and my emotional eating reared it's ugly head. So I've been eating pretty terribly. Having a sugared up coffee for lunch, chocolate bar for part of supper, crackers and cheese for lunch the next day, you get the picture. 

I'm feeling it now, having headaches, feeling tired, generally without energy. All of that is not so fun. But what I am also experiencing is a feeling of peace. It is refreshing to not be thinking about how many pounds I weigh or if this food is more points than this other food that is actually healthier but is higher in fat. 

I need to find the middle ground. There has to be middle ground. I cannot continue eating like this because it doesn't feel good. I miss having energy and these headaches are mind numbing. I'm fairly certain it is from what I'm eating, so it's important to move back a little. 

But I don't want to move all the way back. I want to be able to live this life and not look back at it thinking, "I wasted so much time worrying about food."

Here is where I am. I do so hope I get to that point soon, where I can make healthier decisions without becoming obsessed.