Buckley

We had to do something terribly hard this week. We had to say good bye to our sweet dog, Buckley. It was a tough decision but we knew that it was for the best to find him a new home. 

We got Buckley from an organization that rescues dogs that are abandoned or abused and puts them in a foster home until someone wants to adopt them. It works out well because the dogs can be worked with and trained before being placed in permanent homes. In Buckley's case, it made a big difference for him.

He was rescued from a home where the wife decided to leave her husband who was gone driving truck for a few weeks. She left Buckley in the house alone and the man did not call the adoption organization until two weeks later. Buckley was left in the house for at least 2-3 weeks without food or the chance to go outside. Needless to say, when the volunteer got there to pick him up, she found squishy floors and a scared, shy young dog with a lot of energy mixed with anxiety. Over time, it became apparent that he had been abused as well. He was terrified of men and was especially uncomfortable if a man was wearing a baseball cap. 

He was in foster care for a few months before we got him. We knew his history, but he didn't seem to have any trouble warming up to us. In particular, he absolutely stuck by my side. It took him a while to warm up to hubby (man who wears a baseball cap), but he did eventually learn to trust him and never had a problem with him either. In fact, he absolutely adored hubby. He was a great fit for us.

Fast forward three years, and we have a much fuller house with two little girls and constant traffic with my piano students coming in and out. A few months ago, he did something that really scared me. I was in the kitchen making supper, Audrey strapped on with the Moby wrap, and heard Josie scream out. I ran to see what was wrong and found her standing in the hall way screaming with Buckley hovering in our room by the bed. My guess as to what happened is that she jumped on top of him when he was sleeping and he jumped up in fear, catching her arm with his mouth as a warning. It was obvious that he hadn't intended to bite her, but he did break her skin and we ended up bringing her in to get some antibiotics. It was traumatizing to me most of all. I was terrified of what this meant. 

After that, I watched Josie and Buckley extra close. It was so strange, though, because he didn't seem to be all that uncomfortable around her. Unfortunately, 1 1/2 year olds don't always learn from their mistakes, so she was still fairly aggressive with him and didn't always give him space. We worked on teaching her how to be gentle and loving to animals, but she is still so young. A similar situation happened a month or so later although this time her skin was just lightly scratched. We knew that he was warning her, not trying to hurt her, but it was not okay for him to react like that and we were starting to feel nervous about how we could handle it.

Two more things happened that sealed his fate. One time, a friend of mine pulled him by his collar closer to her and he freaked out. Again, she didn't have a serious injury but he put his teeth on her. Unacceptable. The last thing that happened was the worst. I won't go into a ton of detail, but he ended up jumping on and scratching the stomach of one of my piano students. The kid was terrified and I was shocked. This kid was not a stranger. He had been coming to our house for months and Buckley had never had a problem with him. There was no excuse for it. I could make up reasons why it happened, but ultimately, we knew what we had to do.

He needed a new home, a home without children, without constant movement and new people. We tried to find someone that we knew who would fit that criteria and be willing and happy to take him, but it wasn't meant to be. Ultimately, I ended up calling the organization that we got him from and they said that by contract we were supposed to bring him back to them anyways. I hadn't remembered this and it didn't make me feel any better about it. I felt like we were betraying him. He had finally found a home where he was loved and he felt secure, and we were taking that away from him just like that.

Bringing him there was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know it seems silly to be so attached to a dog, but he came such a long way in the three years we had him and we loved him dearly. While our children come first and that love is totally different, the love of a pet is a strong thing. As I was leaving the shelter, he gave me a look that absolutely broke my heart. I'm not naive enough to think that he knew what was going on, but he knew I was leaving without him at that moment. I'll never forget the look on his face. I cried the whole way home. 

The expectation is that he will be with a foster family soon that will hopefully lead to an adoption. I pray that someone gives him a chance, because although he is a large dog, he is gentle and sweet. He spends most of his time laying around and loves to just hang out. He'd be perfect for someone without kids that doesn't have people coming and going all the time like we do. 

Hubby and I have talked about if and when we'd get another dog. At this point, I'm thinking it won't be any time soon. I could see us getting a dog when our kids are old enough to help out or when I am home alone for parts of the day, but other than that, I don't want to get a dog just to replace him (that would be silly). They do take time and energy and for now that love needs to go to our kids.

The house is empty now. At least it feels that way. I keep waiting for him to scratch at the door to come back in or come out of our bedroom after a long nap. It just makes it harder that he is not yet adopted and waiting for a new home while he had a good home here.

Ultimately, we had to do what was best for him and for us. We could have made him an outside dog but I'm not sure he would have been able to handle that. We could have put him in the garage when we had people over but that didn't solve the problem of our own kids being too aggressive to him. Our guilt is strong right now but we know it will fade. It is out of our hands now.

I am truly thankful for the years we did have with him. He was a great dog.

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7 for Monday

1. I went to the gym yesterday to go to a step class. Let's just say that it wasn't pretty. I am more out of shape than ever before and pretty much watched the clock the whole time praying I'd make it through. I woke up this morning with sore ankles and arms (?) but I'm not deterred. I will be back!

2. Josie has been fighting this cold/eye tooth/toddler hormones head thing for over a week now and ohmygoodness it's been interesting. Sometimes we take two naps a day, sometimes we just go from one meltdown to another, and sometimes she's the happiest little girl (with the snottiest face ever). The good thing that has come from this is that she has finally learned how to blow her nose into a tissue when I hold it up for her. That's big as you fellow moms know.

3. I have a list of things to do that is overwhelming me right now. Like I can't even name everything that I want/need to do. My motivation is going strong while the girls are up and busy (when I can't do anything that isn't completely wrapped around htem) and then the minute I have time to do something, I get stressed out about what I should do first and end up doing nothing. Real productive.

4. Audrey has been on her formula/breast milk combo for a week now and she has visibly plumped up. It's cute to see those big cheeks but the reality that she is growing up so fast just kicked in. Agh formula how fast you make these babies grow, even if it is just out instead of up!

5. Hubby has been working on taxes this weekend and let me tell you, the amount we are paying in taxes is insane. Those that say that small businesses are the heart of America don't see this side, apparently. I'm surprised that as many small businesses stay in business because only getting to keep 60% of what you make makes just living tough. Thank God we are doing okay, but man, sometimes it seems like one wrong move and we'll be on the street. There isn't much room for error when you pay so much to the government.

6. On a lighter note, Josie is running around riding her"horse." Wish she'd use that "horse" to sweep the floors like it's intended!

7. I am obviously distracted. I think I corrected at least 10 typos in this short post opposed to the usual one or two. Sorry if I missed more than that!


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Spring bucket list

I got this idea from another blog and decided to do it myself as well. What is on your Spring Bucket List?

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Five thing Friday

 I can hear Josie moving around in her room so I better hurry up and get this done!

1. Since the chiropractor appointment, Audrey is doing great. Her smiles are back, she's able to play independently on the floor without freaking out, she's eating better, she's sleeping a lot better. Great.

2. I have the girls napping in the same room (insert shocked expression) and sleeping all night in the same room. THIS IS BIG. I was so worried that Audrey would wake Josie up in the mornings because she usually gets up at 6:00 while Josie sleeps until 7:30 most days. Thankfully, it's been no big deal to go get Audrey quickly and quietly and Josie sleeps right through it. I'm so thankful for this smooth transition. Our room will have more space soon when we don't need that bassinet in there!

3. The weather is slowly inching its way up to warm enough for us to enjoy it. I am watching the temps so carefully in hopes that we can go outside even for a walk. I have big plans this summer to turn our fenced in backyard into a kid's play land on a budget. That on a budget part makes it more of a dream than a reality, but hopefully some of my plans will work out.

4. I finally painted my toenails to a nice shade of reddish pink for Spring (no toenail pictures need make an appearance on the blog, so you'll just have to use your imagination). I have to say, looking down at my nails and seeing a fun color really does wonders for my attitude toward this loooong winter.

5. We went out to eat last night for my SIL's birthday and Josie decided that her grandpa was her verybestfriend. It was hilarious. She sat with him while they enjoyed their chips and salsa, walked around with him and looked at anything and everything, and then had a melt down when they had to part ways to go home. The girl's got him wrapped around her finger. He sent this picture to me last night. She's a keeper, right?

I'm not sure where her smile went here, because she was pretty happy the whole evening due to the attention she got from grandpa.

Happy Friday! Our weekend is busy and its not super fun stuff, but I'm excited for it nonetheless.

Decisions, decisions

Easter weekend was tough. Audrey was tough. She spent 90% of it screaming and I spent 90% of the weekend struggling to understand what the problem was. 

After all of your suggestions and reassuring words from this post, I tried a bunch of things this weekend to try to help my supply. I tried feeding her every hour, taking the mama's milk tea (disgusting, by the way), pumping afterwards and in between feedings, giving her plenty of time to get every last bit, etc. Some of them worked but not for long. I had two good days with a great amount that filled her up, and then it dropped off again. Let me tell you, holding my screaming baby at 3:00 in the morning knowing that she's hungry and that I don't have enough to feed her rips a mama's heart out.

For whatever reason, my supply is just not holding on. I hate admitting it because that feeling of failing is right at the surface. I know that it doesn't mean anything and that I'm still her mom and good enough for her, but it's there. 

My options are to stop altogether or to do a juggling act between breast feeding and formula. It's less than ideal, but I'm willing to do it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping that my supply would come back in the meantime. I do realize that the chances of this are slim to none if I'm supplementing, but the thought is still there.

For now, I am feeding her until she won't try anymore and then giving her a couple of ounces of formula. We'll see how it goes.

That was how the weekend was with Audrey. Josie, on the other hand, had a great time. She went with the flow the whole time and was constantly providing a laugh. With the exception of church on Sunday (right at nap time), she was great. 

Most of the pictures I took were random phone pictures, but they still show a glimpse of the weekend.

Jo loves to wake up and play immediately when at Grammy and Papa's, so she spends most of the morning in her PJ's.

We went outside on Saturday afternoon but didn't have Audrey's snowsuit. It was sunny and nice (ABOVE 40 degrees) so we wrapped her up in blankets and Josie's sweatshirt. She was so cozy warm that she fell asleep with the sun shining on her sweet face.

Right before church, she was THIS tired.

We sat in the front row since my mom and sister were part of the praise team, and during Josie's meltdown, she decided the only person she wanted to be near was auntie Lara. That lasted for a couple of minutes, and then we all headed to the nursery....

...where she was happy  as can be since she got to play instead of sit in the uncomfortable pew.

It was an exhausting weekend. For everybody.

 Here's to a better week!

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One year changes

I dug through the archives and found this picture of Josie from last year's Easter weekend. The changes in just one year are incredible. From baby to toddler in the blink of an eye!

Yep... best picture I could get of her in her Easter dress.

Audrey's Four Month Doctor Appointment

A little warning: I may sound a little heated in this post because its only been a few hours since the appointment, but bare with me. 

I brought Audrey to the doctor today for her 4 month check up. I had some questions and was looking for serious answers, and I gotta say, my doctor did not deliver. At her last appointment (two months), I had brought up that she had these episodes where it seemed like she couldn't breathe. She would get this look on her face of pure terror, like she was choking, and then take a large breath after several (seemingly long) seconds. Of course this terrified her, and whoever was holding her or saw it happen, so I made a big deal about it at the appointment. The doctor referred me to a child specialist who told me that it was most likely a developmental thing and that she would grow out of it. Not very reassuring, but it didn't happen for a long time after that. It's happened twice in the last two weeks, so I guess she hasn't grown out of it. 

This time around, I was focused on asking about breast feeding/her growth and completely forgot about these episodes. After I left, I realized that she never asked me about it. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like it should have been something she wanted to follow up with. This doctor doesn't seem to remember us from appointment to appointment, so I shouldn't have been that surprised. Last time, I told myself that she would be more personable the more she got to know us, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

So back to my big concern this time. I touched briefly on it in Audrey's monthly update that the last couple of weeks have been tough for us with feeding. I feel like my supply has dropped a lot and combined with her growing appetite, she just never seems full. I've started pumping numerous times a day, sometimes after I feed her or if we're separated for a couple of hours (when she is fed a bottle). It has improved a little, but not back to 100%. I also have been focusing on guzzling water, but again, it has only helped a little. 

I've done a lot of research on this but am certainly no expert, so I was hoping the doctor could affirm or deny what I have already researched. Instead, when I voiced my concerns, she just said that I should make sure to have a healthy diet that includes a lot of dairy and protein. Ok, thank you doctor, but that is the most generic answer you could possibly give me. I was so disappointed.

On top of that, she jumped right into the topic of supplementing. Now I don't want to step on toes here, so please understand this. I have nothing against supplementing with formula (each parent has to make decisions based on their circumstances so there is no judgement here. Remember that we fed Josie formula from 3 months old until she was one), but we haven't exhausted or even really tried all of the options yet. To have her tell me that the only thing I can do is start giving her formula was depressing. Of course I will do that to make sure she has enough calories, but what else can I do to get my supply back up? The body can do amazing things, and it is most likely possible for this problem to be resolved. I just don't have the knowledge of how. I was hoping the highly educated doctor would. 

First time putting her hair up in a clip

She told me that Audrey's weight was concerning (great...) and that she wanted her to come back in a month to check her weight and make sure she is growing enough now that we've "talked about it." I didn't object because I hate confrontation, but I had my doubts about the whole conversation.

I think the biggest thing that frustrated me is that she just jumped on the conclusion that I had brought up. I had mentioned that my supply was low, that maybe I needed to supplement, and she considered that the end of discussion. I asked her straight out what else I could do, but she didn't seem to care or even notice that I was asking for help. 

One thing I've learned over the last couple of years is that if I don't like the doctor, I need to find another one and not go back. It's not worth it for me to be frustrated and disappointed after every appointment. I should be able to trust my doctor and ask as many questions as I want (which by the way is not that many... I'm not crazy over the top with questions). 

My questions for you are: Have you had problems with your supply not being enough? What did you do about it? Have you had issues with a doctor that just doesn't seem to care? Local friends: Any recommendations for a new doctor that I can bring both my girls to?

I had an awesome doctor when I was pregnant, but she moved on and got a new job. It's frustrating but also a little reassuring to know that not all doctors are impersonal and distant or rude. There are doctors that care, remember you and your questions, take the time to listen and come up with solutions. I just have to find one!

To help you understand my doubts, Audrey's weight is 12 lbs 14 oz which is between 25% and 50%. This is only slightly lower than where she was two months ago, and Josie had a much bigger drop than that as she got older. She just started up a lot higher from birth. Audrey's height is still at 90% with her being 24.5 inches long. 

The doctor made me feel like a failure because she isn't growing enough, when the chart she was looking at showed her to be doing just fine. That's frustrating, right?

I know in the long run this problem will seem minor, but it takes up a lot of my time, feeding this baby, and I want to do what is best for her. I want her to continue having my immunity through the breast milk as long as possible (she hasn't been sick yet! Josie had been sick more than once by this point if we're comparing) and I love the bond we have from it. I just am not ready to throw in the towel!

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Impromptu photo shoot

 I often take AJ's monthly photos while Josie's napping since she tends to be a bit of a camera hog. I was braver than usual this month, and the results were pretty funny. Josie was not impressed when I wouldn't let her be in the picture, but the minute I said "ok, your turn!" she was happy to lay down "like a baby" and get her picture taken. It was so fun to get them in pictures together!

Sure, I got some good shots, but here's the reality. Josie doesn't want to smile and stay put while I figure out the settings on my camera or wait for the flash, her swinging arms land on Audrey's head at least once causing her to cry, the flash finally goes off while I'm moving to console the baby, and the wristlet for the camera photo bombs the picture.

Win.

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Fog.

Do you ever have days where you want to share something but just can't find the right words? I've written something down and deleted it numerous times today and I just can't seem to get it right, so I guess it isn't something I need to share now.

The girls are up early this morning and I'm a bit overwhelmed with this. It's hard for me to be bright eyed and bushy tailed with them so early on when even just one extra hour would make the world of difference for me. They don't seem to understand this (come on kids, sleep is good).  To top it off, they aren't particularly happy and in good spirits, so we are quite the rough bunch this morning.

Serious brain fog today. This post is ridiculous, but it'll have to do. 

How about a few pictures to make things better?

We built a fort!

Playing with daddy while wearing tupperware? Of course.

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Audrey Joy - Four Months

Audrey turned 4 months old on March 18th. There were a lot of changes this month. She's no longer a newborn at all and we're getting to see more and more personality. For the most part, she is the happiest baby, full of huge smiles that can win over anybody. Just like before, she will search for eye contact and then give you the biggest reward - a huge smile and gurgle. It's something I bet I'll always be able to picture in my mind, because I try to memorize it every time she does it.

Audrey is wearing 0-3 month clothing and a few 3-6 month things. The hand-me-downs from Josie fit the best since they have been washed and shrunk. The new things are still huge on her. I'm not used to this since Jo was always right on with the recommended sizes, so I still try to dress her in clothes that end up being too big right now. Oh well, at least I know she'll get to wear them soon.

I also bought more clothes thinking there weren't many from Jo's old collection and then found a whole other bag full of clothes that would work. So Audrey has plenty of options this spring. When summer comes we'll be back to nothing. I've been keeping my eyes open at thrift stores for nicer summer clothes since Josie's clothes are all for the coldest part of winter when she was 6-9 months old.

We've had a somewhat difficult month with breast feeding. She gets impatient and thrashes around when she's awake while eating (during the day, night time is just fine because she's drowsy) and it takes quite a while and a lot of switching back and forth before she'll settle in and actually eat. It took me a while to figure out that I just had to wait out her impatience before she'd eat, so she wasn't eating all of what was there, causing my production to drop. That's my theory, anyway. Now I'm in the process of trying to catch up again which is so frustrating. I also think that she went through a growth spurt of the last two weeks because suddenly she can eat and eat and eat. I still don't feel like I've caught up, but she still has wet diapers and isn't acting hungry all of the time. Hopefully this will even out soon, because I'm nowhere near done with this breastfeeding journey. We've had it so good, I think it just seems worse in comparison.

With difficulty eating comes difficulty sleeping. Whether it's just the growth spurt or she's not as full during the day, she's gone from waking up once a night to waking up two to three times at least. There was even a while there where she was waking up five to six times. That was rough. This mama isn't used to that! When Jo was this age, we worked on sleep training her, but she was also a lot bigger and was already eating rice cereal so she was much fuller before bedtime. I don't feel like Audrey is ready for food yet, but I'm going to check with the doctor this week (Thursday) and see what she thinks. I'm in no hurry to introduce solids but if it means she'll sleep better, I'm all for it.

I did start being intentional with nap times during the day. I used to just go by her cues, but now I'm trying to see what time it is and at least get the first two in at around 8:30-9:00 and then 12:30-1:30. After that, it really depends on what our day looks like (whether or not I have lessons, small group, staying home, etc).

Just this past week (technically right at four months), she started intentionally using her hands to grab at toys and things in front of her when on her tummy. She also likes being on her tummy sometimes, something I've been waiting for eagerly, and will be content on the floor for much longer periods of time without me in her face the whole time. Again, this is so different than Josie who would impatiently look around me when I tried to interact with her. I love how different my girls are.

Audrey is all about rolling over and is never where I left her when I go to pick her up. Thankfully everything is still baby proofed and I can trust that she won't hurt herself. The biggest danger she has is her big sister who loves to "help" when mommy's not looking. Many a times I've turned around to see Josie trying to help her "stretch" or "read a story" or "play with her toy" as Josie tells me. It's hilarious, but I can't really let it go on for too long because we haven't quite learned what being gentle is like. Most of the time, Audrey is a great sport and will laugh and laugh at her sister, but sometimes it's just too intense and I need to rescue her. I'm glad she is learning to laugh and play with Jo though because it's only going to be more rough as she gets bigger!

While Audrey can turn on the smiles and interact with the best of them, she also knows how to be heard when she's upset. There's a lot more drama in this little one than we had originally thought and it took us by surprise. Hubby and I looked at each other in shock during our Florida trip when she threw a fit and screamed in our face over and over again, because it seemed completely unlike her. We quickly learned how to troubleshoot and solve the problems, but we scrambled a bit and felt like first time parents all over again. I guess the honeymoon stage that comes with a sleepy newborn is done and we have to adjust with it. She's still a happy baby and of course we adore her, but she's not low maintenance like we had thought she'd be. In fact, sometimes she's the more difficult one of the two of them, which just goes to show how much each girl changes while growing up.

She still loves to be swaddled while she sleeps. We bought her more swaddle blankets in the bigger size (that we never used with Josie because she outgrew them and then stopped being swaddled to sleep) and will do it as long as we can. She sleeps amazing when she's swaddled tight. She still sleeps great in public although she hasn't learned to love sleeping in her car seat.

And here's the comparison of the two. We've been hearing more and more that she looks so much like her sister, although I feel like she's looking less and less like her. Their personalities are so different, and it doesn't show through in pictures as much. What do you think?

Those cheeks. I just love them. She's such a blessing!

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Just a peek

... at what you'll see at our house. We have been spending a lot of time like this lately. I really do love wearing this little baby. She's my favorite accessory!

A lot of times, after taking a wonderful nap (I imagine they are the best out of all the different places she sleeps since she sleeps so hard and wakes up so happy when I'm wearing her) she will look up at me with her big blue eyes and a huge smile and just stare at me, even if I'm not looking back at her.

She's such a sweetie. These moments are what I imagine I'll miss down the road.

Josie says

Conversation from this morning (to herself in the mirror).

Where horsey go? Be riiight back, mirror. Horsey!!, oh crackers!

The best part of this little conversation was when she went to look for the horse. As she was running to find it and saying "be right back" she realized that she didn't tell the mirror where she was going,so she quickly spun around and yelled "mirror!" before continuing on. 

She cracks me up, have I mentioned this before?

Just making sure she still fits. She got in here all on her own!

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