Educate yourself: Meeting a new foster kid unexpectedly

Before we started our journey into foster care, we were completely clueless to almost all of it. Besides the occasional horror stories or the heroic people with 10-30 kids in and out of their homes throughout their lives, we lived pretty much oblivious to it. 

We knew the basics. Foster care is necessary because there are children that temporarily need a safe place to live, learn, and grow. Got it. But beyond that, we didn't even venture to think about what that world looked like. As we started looking into it, we started to notice it happening around us. There were other people also looking into it. Some of them even had foster children already living with them. Personally, I was fascinated to watch the family dynamics as they figured out how to make life work with a new child that was scared, confused, angry, and just ... new to them. 

And then I hit a wall. You know the wall, where you aren't sure what is appropriate to say, how much you can observe without making them feel awkward, wondering if there is something you can do to help or if you should just pretend like there's nothing different happening. I was so uncomfortable because I was clueless. My gut reaction was to ignore the child and resume life like she wasn't there. Now, looking back, I wish I wouldn't have done that. Sure, we were always in a large group of people so it wasn't super obvious to the child that I, personally, was ignoring her. But remember, if I was feeling like that, almost everyone else in the room was too, and she could feel that. If I had made the point to go to talk to her, I probably would have made it a little easier for her. 

We went through vigorous amounts of training (well, to us it felt vigorous) to get licensed, and then we learned a lot through trial and error because we were living it. But what about when you aren't living it day to day? What about when a friend or family member has a foster child? What then? How do you know what to do or say to this foster child or to the parents? It's hard. I get that. But you can be educated in this. "Who, me?" You ask? YES. You can be educated without having to physically be a foster parent. 

I'm putting together a few posts here that will give you some insight on the average foster care situation. Every situation is different, so discretion is important, but generally, knowing something is better than nothing, right? (This will be a series, so check back periodically for updates.)

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Scenario: You run into us (family event, out in public, church, etc) and don't know that we have a foster child, so that in and of itself is surprising. Trying to cover up your embarrassment, you word vomit all over the place (asking us tons of questions is the primary way this happens) or completely ignore the child. I'll address the latter first. 

It seems obvious, but trust me. It isn't as obvious as you'd think when you are feeling the awkwardness. Don't just ignore the child. Yes, you already know our other two kids very well. Yes, they are charming and sweet and don't mind one bit taking all that attention. Yes, the foster kid is quiet and doesn't necessarily seek your attention. Here's the thing, though. It doesn't mean he doesn't want it. It means he is scared, uncomfortable, and a little bewildered. He doesn't know how to introduce himself. He doesn't know if you care even a little bit about him (and yes, you really may not care about him at this point, but he doesn't need to know that. Please don't make it so obvious). All he knows is that you know and love the family he is staying with. Note that I said "staying with" instead of "his". He is painfully aware that this family he's with is not his family. When he is treated differently than our other kids, it just rubs it in. You may not purposefully try to treat him differently. We know that, and we are not judging you for feeling awkward!

How you proceed at this point is so important. Here are a few tips. Instead of nervously laughing and brushing the kid off, nervously laugh and get down to the kid's level. Seriously. Get down and look him in the eyes. Say something like this, "Well I don't think I've met you yet! What is your name? How old are you? Aren't you sweet? I'm so glad you are here!"

That's it! Next time you see us, you can pick up where you left off, "Well hey there ____! Glad you are here! (see the theme?) Can you pound it? (fist pump, high five, whatever)" You see? That's the same thing you say to our other kids at this point. You've met them, it's not strange anymore. It's just that initial meeting that is awkward. Like I said, we get that. We've been there ourselves. There is no judgement here, just more information and tips to overcome it.

The other side of this scenario is what you say to us, the foster parents. You have questions. You are confused and don't have any clue what to ask. Biggest tip I can say and I stress this sooooo much: Filter what you ask in front of the foster kid! Discretion is key here. This kid is listening to everything trying to fill in the blanks to what he knows and doesn't know. He may think we aren't telling him everything, so he's listening extra close even when we think he's not.

What is appropriate to ask in front of the child: How long has he been living with you? Is he going to school? What does he enjoy doing (hobbies or interests)?

And that's about it. You see, most of the information you want to know isn't able to be worded in a way that won't possibly hurt the child. 

Here are a few examples of what you shouldn't ask: 

• Oh! Is here a foster kid? (The words "foster kid" pick up a negative connotation over time unfortunately. It just points how his differences. It's better to just stick with asking what his name is and how long he's been with us.) 
• How long will he be with you? (We rarely know and he's wondering too so if we give you a time frame and it's wrong, he could be devastated and we wouldn't even realize that he had overheard that information.) 
• Do you know why he's in foster care? (Do you want us to explain to you in front of him how his parents made mistakes? Would you like us to shame talk the people he loves the most?) 
• How's it going? (Would you like me to tell you in front of him how hard it's been on us? Would you like for us to share his every emotion and struggle since joining us?) 

Also, if there is something you can see physically that is different about the kid, let's not bring it up in front of him, ok? To put this into context, let's say that you had no ears. How do you think you'd feel if every single time you ran into someone new, they pointed that out? How would you feel if they kind of made a face of surprise and maybe frowned a little too? Wouldn't that be shameful? Well, children feel those same feelings. It's better to just ignore your curiosity. Google can be your friend. Fill that curiosity on your own instead of at the expense of the kid. If it really really bothers you, shoot me a text or email. I don't mind informing you on basic things, but the kid doesn't need to be present or listening to every little thing. If you do this, though, don't be offended if I don't answer every single thing you ask. You can ask anything you want (out of the ear range of the kid) but I won't necessarily answer every question. Which leads me to my next point.

Some of it truly isn't any of your business. I know that sounds curt and rude. Look at it from his family's point of view, though. This is their child. You, a complete stranger to them, are asking questions about their health, mental well being, parenting abilities, etc, only to fill your curiosity. It sounds familiar, doesn't it? ... kind of like gossip? It's incredibly hard for us as the foster parents to filter what we are sharing with those around us. I know you have good intentions. You care about us and want to understand it more. Hey, I am the same way! It's hard to just take the information given and not dig for more. I urge you, though, to stop digging. It's hard for us to say, "That's between us, his family, and the social workers" without feeling like we are putting you out. But honestly, it's just the reality. I would rather offend you than say something that would hurt this child already hurting quite a bit. Does that make sense? Instead of saying, "Well his parents did this and this and this" I'd rather say "That's private information." It's his life, not a soap opera. 

As harsh as that sounds, it's what we are faced with every single time we run into someone that hasn't met him yet. As uncomfortable as you feel, we are even more uncomfortable anticipating the damage control we will have to do for the kid if he's treated poorly or differently. 

Rereading this, I know it sounds harsh. The truth is, we love to talk about it with you all. It's a huge deal to us to be able to answer questions you have about foster care and give you some insight on what it is really like. Please don't hold back your curiosity about foster care just because you read this post and feel like you have overstepped in the past. In all seriousness, I'm writing this to help you understand and relate to us and the foster kid, not to shame you or make you uncomfortable.



{If any of this resonated with you, educated you, or changed the way you felt or thought about it, please share this post! I don't care if people read my blog regularly, but if reading this post can help someone handle it better, I will shamelessly self promote. :) }