Not so new parenting

I've been thinking a lot about why I've enjoyed each of Audrey's stages more than I did when Josie was that age. To be clear, I love my girl Josie more that I could have ever imagined loving my first baby. She's awesome and I wouldn't change a thing about her. I'm thinking more about me as a parent, my ambitions, goals, fears, and thoughts.

Josie, about three months old

A lot of it comes down to giving up my selfishness. Say what? Me? Selfish? Pssh no. But seriously. I was happy to relinquish my free time to the cute little nine pound newborn. I mean, I'd been waiting ten months to meet her and frankly, it wasn't too bad. She slept great, ate great, played great, and generally kept me on my toes enough to not be over confident but not enough to scare me away from this new world of parenting.

After a few months, I felt like I had the hang of it, so I started introducing things back into my life that weren't necessary, but that I enjoyed doing. Some things, like focusing on my health, weren't as much for enjoyment as me just thinking I should really be doing this. Then she grew into the next stage, and I resisted like crazy. How could she do this to me? I need time to fill in the blank and now I can't do that!

I constantly found myself in exasperation when I evaluated the changes we'd need to make to our routine. Josie thrived on routine, which my perfectionist heart loved, but she also changed entirely too fast to get used to a strict routine. I fought some of those changes a lot more than I should have, and of course being a first time mama, allowed anxiety to overcome me at the smallest drop of a hat.

That all sound quite dramatic, doesn't it? In reality, I've never been too uptight with my parenting (I hear you laughing, those of you that know my inner most thoughts!) but I do know that I was more anxious and strict, grasping the urge to control everything, then I wanted to or even though I was being.

Then baby number two came along. I'd let go a lot of all of those urges to micro manage my firstborn. We had to adapt to a more free lifestyle because hello I had been pregnant for the last 10 months (seriously though) and that wreaked havoc on our precious routine. I'd also figured out a way to juggle a life with a baby and the other day to day tasks like cooking, exercising, blogging, being a wife.

Audrey, about three months old

Since the minute I became a parent of two, it's been different. Each new change that Audrey goes through is fun and frankly fascinating to watch. There's no panic. There's no google searching for ways to control or adapt to the new scary stage. We celebrate it or adapt to it and move on. My general life from day to day has shifted and been rearranged more than I can count but it's been okay. There hasn't been panic, or freak outs or how am I going to do this?? like I had originally thought when I pictured my impending new life while pregnant. It's crazy how our fears are always exaggerated like that, never truly as bad as we made them out to be.

Now she's almost walking.  The old Sarah would think how in the world will I manage with two girls two and under running around making chaotic messes all over the place and putting themselves in grave danger 100+ times a day? But the Sarah I am now thinks won't that be so much fun? She'll have more freedom, she will be able to play with and generally keep up with her sister better, we will be able to move a little quicker when playing outside, etc. I love this stage!

Just like the last stage, it will become my favorite.

I love that as a parent, I have grown up enough to just enjoy each stage. I have evolved into a truly better parent. I'm so thankful to be able to see this growth already. I'm so thankful that I can give up my selfish urge to control everything. Truly, this road I'm on called parenthood has just begun, and it would be a shame to spend it all being anxious.

Thank you Jesus for giving me a peaceful heart, even if it doesn't last forever. I'm thankful for it right now.