The start (again)

We spent the weekend at the lake, enjoying family, humid and rainy weather, a fun festival in the park nearby, and of course, food. Lots and lots of food.

And the number on the scale is showing it. Once again, I am basically starting over, feeling awful about myself and questioning my motives, attitude, and strength. What am I trying to accomplish? Why is this the one huge (so huge) thing in my life that never seems to go right? 

In a desperate attempt to right these wrongs, I signed up for Weight Watchers (online) again. This would be my...fourth?...time actively using it and I have my doubts, but at the same time, I am kind of excited. You know how it goes, you get all geared up and ready to just beat this and  shed the pounds and have all kinds of plans (I'm great at coming up with plans, just not executing them apparently) and spreadsheets and meal plans and...well you get the idea. So here I am, starting over again, weight about 5 lbs higher than before (!!) and ready to commit yet again. As I told my mom this weekend, what good would it do to just quit trying? Even if I am trying and failing over and over, at least I'm still trying. 

I so desperately wish I had a good friend to do this with, to talk through the hard days and moments immediately as they happened instead of blogging about it later. That's not an option at this point, which makes this seem a bit overwhelming. Doing it alone scares me and I can already see a few huge challenges coming up this week since the girls and I will be visiting friends and family at the end of the week for five days. I fail miserably when not at home on my set schedule, so having that obstacle right at the start of this seems ridiculously scary. 

But I can do this, right? I can see results, make changes, succeed, meet the goals. 

It hit me the other day, as I recounted another bad dream to my husband that put him in a bad light, that my insecurities about my body and weight are affecting so much more than I realize. Subconsciously, I am scared of so many things happening because of how I view myself. Rejection from him, my friends, my family and even strangers, feeling unworthy, feeling the judgement, not being able to keep up to my kids, passing it on to them, this love of food and poor choices that will give them a lifelong struggle that could be avoided. It terrifies me, yet doesn't motivate me enough to make the changes. You know what that is? Sin. Straight up sin. The laziness, fear, cowardliness, and lack of self will is evident in every picture I see of myself or when I feel yet another injury on my over worked body(from the extra weight, not my work outs).

One thing for my to grasp, my tiny silver lining in this, is that God is using this to humble me in a huge way. As mentioned in other posts, I am a perfectionist, and my lack of control here brings me back down in a huge way. This really is not something I can do alone. This is not something that I can master and manipulate. I am at the mercy of my Lord, and I need to keep that in my mind, right in the front, more than anything.

I know it sounds harsh, like I am figuratively beating myself up, but sometimes that is what is needed, to be shaken out of a stupor, brought back to reality. 

Today I start again. Join me in prayer and cheers of support, won't you? God knows (for real) that I will need it.


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