Not so new parenting

I've been thinking a lot about why I've enjoyed each of Audrey's stages more than I did when Josie was that age. To be clear, I love my girl Josie more that I could have ever imagined loving my first baby. She's awesome and I wouldn't change a thing about her. I'm thinking more about me as a parent, my ambitions, goals, fears, and thoughts.

Josie, about three months old

A lot of it comes down to giving up my selfishness. Say what? Me? Selfish? Pssh no. But seriously. I was happy to relinquish my free time to the cute little nine pound newborn. I mean, I'd been waiting ten months to meet her and frankly, it wasn't too bad. She slept great, ate great, played great, and generally kept me on my toes enough to not be over confident but not enough to scare me away from this new world of parenting.

After a few months, I felt like I had the hang of it, so I started introducing things back into my life that weren't necessary, but that I enjoyed doing. Some things, like focusing on my health, weren't as much for enjoyment as me just thinking I should really be doing this. Then she grew into the next stage, and I resisted like crazy. How could she do this to me? I need time to fill in the blank and now I can't do that!

I constantly found myself in exasperation when I evaluated the changes we'd need to make to our routine. Josie thrived on routine, which my perfectionist heart loved, but she also changed entirely too fast to get used to a strict routine. I fought some of those changes a lot more than I should have, and of course being a first time mama, allowed anxiety to overcome me at the smallest drop of a hat.

That all sound quite dramatic, doesn't it? In reality, I've never been too uptight with my parenting (I hear you laughing, those of you that know my inner most thoughts!) but I do know that I was more anxious and strict, grasping the urge to control everything, then I wanted to or even though I was being.

Then baby number two came along. I'd let go a lot of all of those urges to micro manage my firstborn. We had to adapt to a more free lifestyle because hello I had been pregnant for the last 10 months (seriously though) and that wreaked havoc on our precious routine. I'd also figured out a way to juggle a life with a baby and the other day to day tasks like cooking, exercising, blogging, being a wife.

Audrey, about three months old

Since the minute I became a parent of two, it's been different. Each new change that Audrey goes through is fun and frankly fascinating to watch. There's no panic. There's no google searching for ways to control or adapt to the new scary stage. We celebrate it or adapt to it and move on. My general life from day to day has shifted and been rearranged more than I can count but it's been okay. There hasn't been panic, or freak outs or how am I going to do this?? like I had originally thought when I pictured my impending new life while pregnant. It's crazy how our fears are always exaggerated like that, never truly as bad as we made them out to be.

Now she's almost walking.  The old Sarah would think how in the world will I manage with two girls two and under running around making chaotic messes all over the place and putting themselves in grave danger 100+ times a day? But the Sarah I am now thinks won't that be so much fun? She'll have more freedom, she will be able to play with and generally keep up with her sister better, we will be able to move a little quicker when playing outside, etc. I love this stage!

Just like the last stage, it will become my favorite.

I love that as a parent, I have grown up enough to just enjoy each stage. I have evolved into a truly better parent. I'm so thankful to be able to see this growth already. I'm so thankful that I can give up my selfish urge to control everything. Truly, this road I'm on called parenthood has just begun, and it would be a shame to spend it all being anxious.

Thank you Jesus for giving me a peaceful heart, even if it doesn't last forever. I'm thankful for it right now.

Midweek Confessions

Yesterday, I ate like 15 mini cookies, except I'm pretty sure thy were only considered "mini" because they weren't cooked all the way and hadn't doubled in size like they were supposed to. Sometimes I just wish I didn't know that they were still worth the same amount of calories no matter how much they raised. Ignorance is bliss, especially with cookies.



I've lost most if not all motivation to blog lately, but it's not for lack of material or desire to write. I just can't make the time or focus my attention on it. It's a rut, but even as I type this, I can feel that it's probably not long lasting. Now that doesn't make any sense, does it?

We've been watching Portlandia here and there, and I gotta say, the scenes where the girl (main character) acts like a guy completely creep me out. So weird...she doesn't look manly and her voice is altered by a machine but it just sounds unnatural. Now the guy, on the other hand, doesn't creep me out at all when he acts like a girl. Is this sexist somehow? I'd like to think it's more the acting than anything. What a weird, but often funny, show.




And last but not least, I've been feeling "off" the last couple of days due to random headaches and fatigue. I'm assuming it's from all of the junk I've been eating, so of course, the easy solution is to cut that out and try to just eat healthy. Simple, obvious, okay, go, Sarah. Seriously, do it. Except that instead I've made dark chocolate pumpkin muffins, apple crisp (times two), eaten dark chocolate bars, and candy from a parade (not even good, just around and easy to grab). So there's that. I have high hopes for today, though. High hopes.




 



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Audrey Joy, ten months old

Audrey Joy turned 10 months old on September 18th. This mama actually got the pictures taken with days of the 18th. A true September miracle. 

Full disclosure: I took all of these pictures in about two minutes, some of which was spent running with the babe under one arm to get the comforter (fabric for the month) off of our bed, pulling the shades up for more natural sunlight, getting the babe in place and camera ready, and quickly earning these smiles before the buzzer went off on our oven indicating supper was ready. It was hectic but perfect).

Oh this girl. She continues to crawl around like crazy, pull herself up on all things big and small, and walk with assistance (just one hand though) as often as she has the chance. She's a mover now, completely, for sure!

She is still a big eater, eating any and everything with no dislikes. With big sister throwing mini tantrums every other meal, it's great to have at least one kid who will eat whatever I give her. While she eats all things food, she does get frustrated if it isn't easy to pick up. That's understandable, of course, so we don't hold it against her. She's also very loud if we don't give her enough food. What can I say, girl likes to eat.

Still drinking formula, we're down to only two to three bottles a day (four to six ounces a time) and she has finally figured out how to drink out of a straw, making life easier for all of us. She has her own little water bottle floating around and knows how to pick it up, rehydrate, and go on with her day. It's wonderful.

Sleeping great, goes down happily when she's not starving for her bottle (milk, of course), but is up and ready to go when she wakes up. No more lounging in bed. She stands up, screams out (happily) and ,as always, gives her biggest smile when you come to retrieve her.

She points now, and also says "I'm almost one!" Okay that last part is a guess.

Right around her 10 month birthday, she learned to clap and wave. Cutest.thing.I've.ever.seen. We encourage it often.

 Now that she's moving around more, she's pretty content with life. We've had a few incidents where she found the toilet bowl (lid open, contents questionable) but generally she stays out of trouble much more than her dear big sister did at this age. She loves to find me, climb up my pant legs, get picked up, and then want to be immediately put back down. It's a fun game (for her anyways). She follows her sister around constantly, takes a lot of hits to the head (most of them unintentional), gets tackled constantly, and still manages to smile at me when we make eye contact.

This girl is just so sweet. I kiss her and hug her more than I'd like to admit and am so thankful she's here with us each and every day! I love watching her and Josie interact more and more and her joy is completely contagious.

I'm a little in denial that she's almost one, but not so much that I'm pretending a party won't happen. Invites are partially created (by myself, yo!) and the theme is set. I can hardly handle it, it's going to be fun. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, she's still just a sweet baby (for a little while longer at least).

Those eyes, that smile, that hair (is it brown? red? blonde? nobody knows). She's just gorgeous, right?

Lest you've forgotten, Josie was all over the place at this point so my standards of a "good picture" were a little different. The picture above doesn't represent her perfectly, but it's the best we've got. Her 10 month post can be found here.)

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Losing it, or not

A couple of weeks ago, I was hit with a realization. 

I'm tired of thinking about food.

I've been more or less thinking about food, what it will do to me, how good it is, how bad it is, how much I want it or think I need it, for years and years now. It's been a constant thought in my head almost all of the time.

I've read a few blogs that have shifted focus from losing weight to loving yourself and breaking emotional eating habits. I'm not as concerned about loving myself (because what is my body other than a vessel from God?) and more concerned with just living my life, this life that is so good and a huge gift from God. 

In relation to this post, I'm slowly realizing that I would have time for a lot more if I just chilled out a bit with the whole self image thing. I find myself wondering what the big deal is anyways. Why in the world am I so concerned about how I look? Who is really caring? My life revolves around a husband that has loved me through many (weight) ups and downs, two girls that see me as their loving mother/caretaker, and friends and family that truly love me for me no matter what. I no longer have a job that revolves around tons of people and opinions that aren't always wanted. I'm generally not in the public eye, and even if I was, what is the big deal?? 

More importantly, how am I feeling? That is what I've been thinking lately. Isn't it more important to feel good? Looking good makes me feel great, for that thirty seconds I'm looking in the mirror. Then I forget about it because there are just a lot of other things going on and really it doesn't matter. 

So last week, I turned off my internal food monitor (ha, as if it were that easy). I just ate when I was hungry and (for the most part) stopped when I was full. I didn't snack a ton, and I didn't worry about what I was eating. Honestly, it was quite refreshing. 

Then, of course, life took a turn and things got busy and my emotional eating reared it's ugly head. So I've been eating pretty terribly. Having a sugared up coffee for lunch, chocolate bar for part of supper, crackers and cheese for lunch the next day, you get the picture. 

I'm feeling it now, having headaches, feeling tired, generally without energy. All of that is not so fun. But what I am also experiencing is a feeling of peace. It is refreshing to not be thinking about how many pounds I weigh or if this food is more points than this other food that is actually healthier but is higher in fat. 

I need to find the middle ground. There has to be middle ground. I cannot continue eating like this because it doesn't feel good. I miss having energy and these headaches are mind numbing. I'm fairly certain it is from what I'm eating, so it's important to move back a little. 

But I don't want to move all the way back. I want to be able to live this life and not look back at it thinking, "I wasted so much time worrying about food."

Here is where I am. I do so hope I get to that point soon, where I can make healthier decisions without becoming obsessed.