Intentional parenting

We've been parents for almost five years. In that time, many of my hopes and dreams for our girls have changed. Most of it is for the better, at least I am hoping so. When my first and second babies were born, I didn't think a lot past the infancy and toddler stages. That was overwhelming enough on it's own. The goal was to keep them alive, and slip in some character building along the way (don't throw things because that's not kind, don't use your hands to hit people, use manners) As they have grown and become real little people instead of the babies that they were, I've had to tackle my views and feelings about all kinds of things. You see, I didn't have concrete ideas or opinions. I knew what I knew well, but it was only on a limited number of topics. There are so many different views, lifestyles, and choices to make. I spent my time thinking about the right now and not so much about the future.

But then, the future snuck up on me. Suddenly, the kiddos have less physical needs and more emotional needs. They are asking questions that I have to be able to answer. They are learning about this world, and I've been given the task to guide them and show them how it works. It's got me thinking about how I actually feel about this world, about what I value and what isn't important. (I write this for myself, but obviously I've talked with hubby about it a lot and would assume that he's in agreement on most if not all of this.)

There are the preferential things, the things that I value greatly yet also realize are just that: preferences. They are important, but need to be put in their own category. I consider them important to our family culture, but not important to our actual salvation in Jesus. There are five that come to mind:

1. I want them to look put together. I want them to make an effort to take care of themselves, but to not value their appearance too much. They should respect themselves enough to get dressed, do their hair (and make-up when they are older), shower on a regular basis, and generally look respectable. That's important to me, because I learned early on that I do better when I make a small effort. If I do my hair, put on fresh clothes, and brush my teeth, I feel ready for the day. I have a cheerier disposition and am willing to take on whatever comes my way.  I also learned that taking too much time and putting too much energy into one's appearance can be a negative thing in relation to other people. If it comes across as too materialistic, it's easy to isolate myself from others by appearing too perfect. This balance is so hard (hence people all across the country struggling with it) but I do want to teach  my girls how to do it. Respecting oneself doesn't mean buying all the expensive name brand clothing. It doesn't mean having an excess of shoes, designer jeans, and jewelry. There is a huge difference that can seem abstract, especially to youth. It's my job to show them these differences.

2. I hope they love being outside. This is a newer one for me, one that hit me hard in the last year or so. I grew up inside. Ironically, my mom grew up on a farm and my dad grew up playing outside all the time. It didn't transfer to me, even though I participated in outside activities like sports and park play fairly often. Even my mission trip in Romania, where we lived completely outside for almost a month didn't seal the deal. It wasn't until I was older, a good way into adulthood, before I realized how nurturing the outdoors was for my soul. I've had to work at it to make it a part of my life, and even now I slip back into laziness and complacency to the point where I miss out on great opportunities to enjoy the weather and natural beauty around us. For my kids, I want them to enjoy it right from the start. I want them to crave fresh air and exercise in an internal, natural way. I want them to look around and see God's creation, see the proof He's given us of his existence and love for us. 

3. I want them to love reading. I don't care what genre they land on as long as they love to read. Reading is such a great tool for learning. You can learn about almost anything by reading the right books or material. While it may seem counter productive to being outside, I hope they can integrate it together so that they can enjoy both without going too far either way. I've always love to read, to the point where I spent all of my free time inside, reading anything I could get my hands on. I went too far that way and missed out on the physical activity that would have been good for my soul as well. The balance is possible, but something we need to work on constantly.

4. With the love of being outside and reading, I want them to also love learning in general. As a child and teenager, I thought I hated learning. I had based my understanding on what learning consisted of around my experience in school. I didn't have a terrible school, but it was not an environment that I enjoyed on a regular basis. I thought of it as a means to an end. Once school was done, I could be done learning. I had no idea that what would really happen is my ability to learn and enjoy it would take off as soon as school ended. My hope for my kids is that they can love the process right from the start. Test results don't matter as much as what they actually learn and retain. The process is just as important as the end result.

5. Hubby and I both have hobbies that we really want to encourage. I want the kids to love music, each finding their own niche that they can foster and enjoy. I want us to enjoy it together well past their childhood. I also want them to love things that are old yet still valuable like old stories, traditions, and ancestors, still so very precious. I want them to appreciate the past in a way that helps them enjoy the present and future. Hubby wants them to learn to work with their hands like he does, although he says he's not picky about how they do it. He wants them to be open to knew things without letting fears take over. He would also love it if they loved to hunt or shoot at targets. I think that is a little bit of a stretch, but I will let him dream. After all, I don't mind target shooting and that probably surprises every single person that knows me. It's not impossible.

Those things are preferences. They don't necessarily form character traits on their own and definitely do not matter in regards to salvation. I'm learning how to separate the things that matter to me in this world with the things that will matter in the next world, the things that God desires for us to do now in preparation for the future.

The things that matter most of all involve their hearts. God gives us tools to use to overcome the evils of the world. There are important things to teach these girls that directly affect their relationships with God and others. 

1. I want them to be kind first. It can be so simple to apply judgement to those around us based on our preferences. If we aren't careful, it's easy to apply things we read in the bible to those around us without first looking at ourselves. I want the girls to look at this world through a filter that emphasizes love and kindness more than people's sins or problems. I personally struggle with this all the time, which makes it both easier and harder to teach the kids. The struggle is to teach them something that I have not yet mastered. At the same time, I can use opportunities that challenge me to learn right alongside them. 

2. I want them to be confident in their faith, even though the world tells them they are wrong. It's scary to be the different one, to be told over and over how awful you are for believing what you believe. I want them to be willing to stand up for Jesus, to not cower away in shame or confusion. This is going to be a lifelong battle for them as it is for me, and I pray that I can continue to help them with it on their journeys.

3. I want them to seek God first, and then focus on the facts and their emotions. The bible is not always crystal clear and questions pop up constantly that may cause doubt along the way. My hope is that they learn to love God and trust that his way is the right way while they work through their doubts and continue to learn about him. There is room for questions and there is room for struggles, but it won't mean anything if they lose their faith through it. 

4. I want them to learn to love and love hard. I don't mean this in the typical hippy all-you-need-is-love kind of way. (All you need is Jesus, which leads to love.) I want them to learn how love affects every area of our lives. Loving Jesus, familial love, romantic love, love for strangers, love for friends, tough love, loving your enemies, it's all important, vital really. Each kind of love is different. Each kind draws from within you in different ways. I want to help them understand that all forms of love come from Jesus. He is our ultimate example and shows us how to do it if we just take the time to learn it. It's not nearly as easy as it sounds, and will most likely take more than their childhood years to learn. 

These lists are evolving and growing as we reach new stages of this parenting journey. Maybe I'll come back to them, revise them, add to them, or just delete them. It's good for me to continue to think about it both abstractly and concretely. Having it listed out like this reminds me of the why's behind our actions. It helps keep our priorities on what is important to our Father and what is important to me, as a mom that can get sucked into worldly desires as much as anyone else. I also just think it's important to keep these lists separate, to see them both as important but with each having their place in our lives. 

What they say

Audrey: I want to get old. That's how I grow. I want to grow up!
Me: What does that mean?
Audrey: It means that you're going to be donezo!

Josie: when I go to bed, I sleep with my eyes open. I wait for daddy to leave, and then I open them.
Me: what do you do all night?
Josie: I just wait til morning.

Audrey: I'm Elsa.
Daddy:  who am I?
Audrey: you're Audrey's daddy, Michael James.
Daddy: Ok, well, who's your daddy then?
Audrey: Mi--- (stops...) you don't get to know his name!

Busted wearing my lipstick. I got this sweet expression saying that I needed a picture to show daddy, so she took it very seriously.

Audrey on a pretend phone: Hello. my dad is not very listening. because he just runned to my room. because I left the door open. it can lock if I leave it open.

Audrey: My food is in my tummy and God is in my heart. All my food is in my heart! And God is going to juggle my food.

Being Hosts (Opening up our home)

Last week, we hosted people in our home four out of the five week days ranging from over 20 people to a handful of people to a single dinner guest. One day, we even had two separate events, one in the morning, and one in the evening. Every week on average, we have people in our home at least two days, often three. This week, though, really required us to stretch our hosting abilities and comfort levels. 

Can I tell you something? It's such a blessing. 

This culture of ours can be so very strange. The middle class (huge as it is) emphasizes making your home beautiful, picture perfect, and ready to host large groups. The newer homes feature large kitchens with islands perfect for setting up buffets full of food or drinks, with an open concept to keep everyone together even while a meal is being prepared or served. There are multiple bathrooms available. The larger living room offers more options for comfortable seating with sectionals, chairs, couches, and loveseats. Some homes even have mini movie theatres, complete with personalized recliners and elevated seating. 

Yet so often, these perfectly designed homes stay quite private. The movie theatres go almost unused since there are also large TVs in the other more commonly used rooms in the house. The family uses the home, sure, but the features that make these homes great for hosting do not get used for actual hosting.

Why is that? I cannot speak for everyone, but I know for myself there is a level of fear there that I have to work at to overcome. Part of the pressure to have a beautiful home means that there is a lot of room to fail, be judged harshly, and get burnt out. What if the people coming into my home look around and think, "This is it?" What if the kids destroy the rooms they play in, leaving little tornados everywhere for me to clean up later? What if I run out of plates or forks? What if I forgot to clean the lip under the edge of the table and my guest notices this? WHAT IF? The list can go on and on.

I actively fight against this. Well, I'm trying to actively fight against this. If someone comes into my home and thinks, "This is it?" the chances are they will not actually tell me. I may feel it when I watch them look around, or hear comments that aren't necessarily kind in nature, but ultimately, my imagination is really more of the problem here. I can only imagine what they are thinking and that does not usually work in my favor. The other side of this is a bigger issue. Am I actually closing up my home to others because of what others think? There's a word for that. Pride. The bible states clearly what we should do with this kind of pride.


Proverbs 16:18: Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Psalm 10:4: In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

If we are focusing on ourselves and what others think of us, we cannot also be focusing on God. We cannot be using our gifts given to us to glorify Him. That's bad! Right?? I mean, isn't that the point of our lives? To use our lives to glorify Him?

I've been wrestling with this for years. My husband and I both enjoy hosting people in our homes. We get a rush from it, energy that kind of bursts out while we prepare and enjoy our guests and then fizzles out leaving us exhausted by the end of the day. It's convenient for us that we both enjoy it, but that doesn't really make it less work. 

Hosting is a lot of work. It's helpful that we enjoy it, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. Whether or not you are aiming to impress or just trying to be prepared, your house needs to be relatively clean. I panic a little sometimes when I think of my standard of clean versus someone else's. Will they think we are huge slobs? Will they find that spot on the high chair that I keep missing, with layers of food stuck there for months? Will they notice that the floorboards in the bathroom are full of dust? Will they look at our floors and think that they are clearly not freshly mopped? 

After years of hearing that hospitality is something God requires of his children, I learned that I am setting up obstacles that He does not require. God does not require us to have every room perfectly cleaned. He doesn't expect us to spend the entire day deep cleaning areas that nobody will notice anyway. He doesn't expect every pillow to be in place, every piece of clothing hung up, every dish cloth to hang perfectly. Those expectations are worldly, placed in our minds by the enemy, giving us reasons to say no, turn away people you otherwise could share your lives with, and close ourselves off to other opportunities. It pains me to think that we have done this in the past. If God has given both of us the gift of hospitality, why would we let anything stop us from doing it?

God does not require us to be perfect, either. There are things to consider and be aware of when someone is visiting. Where should they put their coats and bags? Do they need something to drink? Do they know where the bathroom is? The list can go on and on. If this is what overwhelms you, the need to be present and ready to jump up and serve your guest, I would like to remind you that our culture works in our favor here. In many other countries, the expectations put upon the hosts are nonverbal but very important. It would be rude to not offer drinks or food. Some countries expect slippers to be provided when guests arrive. Some countries expect there to be multiple courses to every meal. America's culture is so much easier than this! Most of the time, guests are welcome to grab a drink if they want one. They can leave their shoes on or take them off. There is not a list of things unsaid that are passively expected. America's culture is casual which makes hosting quite a bit easier.

In our home, we keep things pretty casual. I keep the bathroom relatively clean, I try to sweep the floor and wash the table. I prefer to have the meal at least mostly ready if the guests are coming to eat, but I don't mind finishing it up while visiting with them. Mostly, though, I am honest with myself that when we invite people into our homes, we are inviting them into our lives. They are going to see a little bit of our messes. They are going to see me disciplining my children because that's what happens when you are parents; you have to continue to do it even when other people are around. They are going to see that some of our rooms are much less clean than others. That's okay. In fact, most people are more comfortable when they see imperfection. It's a relief, isn't it? Personally, when I notice something imperfect in someone else's home, I think to myself, "Oh good! They aren't as perfect as they seem. I can relate much more now."

There are a few things that we do in our home and with our family that have helped make it easier to open up our homes.

1. I work with the girls almost every single day to maintain a clean room. We take out most of the toys so there is less clutter, and I expect them to put away pajamas, dirty clothes, and clean clothes that are left out every morning before they can play. I also expect them to make the bed. Most days, if the bed was made the day before, it's quick and easy to make again. Most of it is done! You just need to straighten the blanket and pillow. It's when we don't make it for days that it gets completely pulled apart and messy. If they do this every morning, it's done in less than five minutes and they do it without grumbling. It's a habit more than anything. Sure, it was hard to get them to do it at first, but after a few weeks, they figured out that it was expected and that they could play quicker and sooner if they just did it. 
2. I have streamlined how I clean the bathrooms. Keeping the cleaning supplies stored together, it probably only takes five minutes to wipe down the sinks and counters and clean the toilets. That's all I do! There's no need to clean the shower every time someone is coming over. The floor gets mopped when I mop the rest of the house. The mirrors are on an "as needed" basis. If there are toothpaste marks or finger smudges, I grab the Windex but if there isn't, they can wait another week.
3. I bought a sweeper that is much wider than a broom, kind of like you see in schools. I can whip around the edges of each room in just a few minutes (that's where the dust and dirt always seem to gather) and the room is instantly feeling cleaner.
4. Keep the counters clean! I hate when the junk drawer items linger on the counter, so I don't allow it to happen. Easier said than done, right? But honestly, it stresses me out, so I've just not let it happen, mainly by purposefully finding homes for the things that regularly end up there. Anything that can go in cupboards or be put away is put away on a daily basis. I've learned to throw the dish towel and wash cloth in the laundry room right before guests arrive. The less stuff there is to clutter it up, the easier it is to clean up quickly. 
5. We keep folding chairs and disposable plates and cutlery stored in our storage room just off the kitchen so that they are easy to grab if we need them. They used to be in our basement, but it was inconvenient to go and get them. Just the thought of dragging them through all the twists and turns and up the stairs makes me break out in a sweat, so their new home is definitely better.
6. I keep bottled water on hand (stored with the other things mentioned above) that I take out just for our guests. We don't use them when it's just our family at home, so I don't need to worry about us running out or not having enough for everyone. Having them on hand is just one more way to make our guests feel at home (it's easier to just grab a bottle of water than find the glasses and figure out our filtered water). We don't always do this, but for bigger events, it's handy.

My prayer is that our culture can be more willing to open up our homes. With fences and attached garages, it seems harder and harder to get to know your neighbors, and more and more we find ourselves engaging with our devices instead of the people around us. My hope is that we can actively fight against the urge to shut others out, and instead connect with each other on a personal level. For us, that is done best when we are at our home.

Amelia's first birthday party

Amelia's birthday party was a smashing success. We themed it "Winter Wonderland" and many of our friends and family were able to come celebrate our youngest lady. 

With snowflakes hanging from the ceiling all over the place, the theme was kept simple by having a hot chocolate bar, homemade sugar cookies, and popcorn. It was fun to put it all together. The big girls were too busy playing with their friends to get in on many pictures, so you don't even get to see how sweet Josie's matching outfit was with the birthday girl. I guess I need to find another excuse for them to wear their gold and cream outfits!

I used my Silhouette Cameo to make the snowflakes and Happy Birthday banner. The monthly photos poster is from Shutterfly. (See a close up version below.)

I try to use any opportunity I can to make and decorate sugar cookies because it's fun and they are so pretty. Bonus: they tasted good too!

Instead of a cake, I freehanded a large "1" cookie and gave that to Amelia as a smash cookie vs a smash cake.

I had loads of help from hubby, although you wouldn't know it from this picture...

I found the chalkboard banner at Target in the Hot Spots section. It's definitely reusable and pretty generic, so I count that as a win!

Hot chocolate bar complete with toppings.

When it was time to sing to her, she looked around the room with a solemn look on her face. I don't think she quite believed it was all aimed at her, although everyone was grinning and looking at her the entire time. While leaning over towards the candle, I think I pinched her hand a little. Poor girl, she ended up crying and never got to even try to blow out her candle.

She did recover, and happily sat in her high chair nibbling on her cookie, one piece in each hand while she watched the chaos that was happening around her. She only ended up eating a tiny piece of the oversized cookie.

She got to spend a little more time with her cousin-twin, Asher (10 weeks younger). I love seeing them side by side at different ages.

I forgot to get a family shot until all the natural light was gone, but we still got a decent one considering the party was over and the sugar highs had run out. Also, Josie had already changed by this point, so no cute matching outfits here. 

We like to do a bigger party for their first birthdays, and this one was perfect! Low stress, high fun, just the way we like it.