Thoughts on Breast feeding

It's been a while since I've posted about breast feeding. You know, because I haven't been doing it for six months now. Since I'm more removed from it, I thought I'd summarize my thoughts on it for me. As always, my views on this don't apply to everyone. It's not easy, and it's not for everyone. I have no judgement for those that don't do it.*

Okay, so back to my thoughts.

I've always wanted to breast feed my babies. I have dreamed of being able to until the babes are at least one, but two babies later and it still has not happened. I'm not sure where and when I got this idea that going until one was my huge goal. I know most of it came with not wanting anything to do with formula. I do realize it has come a long way from what it used to be, but I strongly dislike it. I hate how the baby's BMs are disgustingly smelly and how the formula smells once mixed with water. 

Oh, and then there is the cost. I feel so wasteful buying it when I know that I potentially could be feeding the baby for free (minus the cost of me eating more food to keep up I guess). 

I also love the intimacy between the baby and me. It's something that only we can do together and it means the world to me. I truly love that closeness that developed between us. Those months with each of my girls were precious for my little memories even though they were also filled with anxiety and struggle here and there (I'm looking at you, mastitis).

If you've read my blog for a while, you know that I struggled to keep my supply up with Audrey right after she turned four months old. She would eat and eat and then cry and cry, no matter what I did. It wasn't enough and I knew it. I felt pressure from some to just switch to formula or at least supplement and let me tell you, that angers me now that I look back. I know that it isn't for everyone, but I should not be guilted into giving up breast feeding just because someone else is uncomfortable with it. Obviously my interests were for Audrey's health. That was one of the reasons I was pushing for continuing breast feeding. The immunity that comes with it is wonderful, and I didn't want to let that part go either. The outside pressure and opinions did not help me out. They just made me feel worse.

I also had support for continuing breast feeding, for trying all kinds of things to boost my supply, and for fighting the negative comments and vibes I got. I'm so thankful for that.

Ultimately, I knew I had to make the choice to switch to formula when I was barely getting anything out from pumping. I was devastated because I wanted to continue and my body wasn't letting me. 

Months later, I learned that there was a good chance it was something on Audrey's end. More than likely, the way she was eating was not encouraging me to make more, so my body started making less. I don't know this for sure, but I feel so much better knowing that my body is almost certainly capable of lasting longer than four months. This is why I talk to others about things like this, and why I blog about it. For all of the negative junk that comes with, I learn about things I wouldn't have heard before and it makes it all worth it.

I could have fought harder for it. I could have gone to see a nursing consultant or a physical therapist for Audrey, to make sure she was sucking the right way. Looking back, I am tempted to kick myself for not fighting more for something that meant a lot to me. But at the same time, it's not the end of the world. I know that it won't affect Audrey long term and now that we are almost done with formula (we're on our last container!) I can honestly say it wasn't terrible to have to use it. 

Whenever we are blessed with another baby, I know that I will want to fight for it again. It means a lot to me, it's good for the baby, and it saves us a little money. I already have the "tools" like the pump, nursing cover, and shield. Ultimately, I know I will want to try again, and for longer.

*But of course, I cannot end this post without my own little disclaimer. It truly is not life or death. There is not proof that breast fed kids are healthier long term so whether or not you choose to breast feed has more to do with the here and now than the child's  adult life and future. Does that make sense? If it is not right for you, then don't stress out about it. Don't feel bad and beat yourself up because you hear "Breast is best" and all that from the granola or natural lovin' moms out there. Sure, it is good, but you need to do what is best for your family. There are a lot of things to factor in and those people saying that aren't taking in your specific circumstances when they declare that. It is a generic statement, not applicable to everyone.

On the flip side, and I say this with all seriousness, back off if you don't like it. It's not your decision and it is just as possible to make a breast feeding mama feel terrible by guilting her about it as it is for the breast feeding mamas to make formula mamas feel bad. It goes both ways. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and looks can mean even more. Nonverbal communication speaks loudly too, and I got a lot of negative feedback in that form. I try to let it roll right off me but honestly, when I was struggling and wanting to keep trying, I felt terrible that I wasn't enough partly because others were going on and on about how hungry Audrey seemed when I was doing my best to feed her with what I thought was best. It was just.so.frustrating.

So, those are my thoughts about it. It's a tiny part of a person's life, whether they were breast fed or bottle fed, but it is oh so controversial and can turn people against each other way too quickly. I truly hope that I can be supportive to other mamas who make their tough decision either way. Honestly. It doesn't matter to me which way you go! Make your decision and stick with it. I have enough love for you either way.

Procrastination rears it's ugly head yet again

My head is swimming with different post ideas, but when I sit down to write them out, I go blank. Bear with me, I'm sure it'll pass. 

I've been thinking a lot about procrastination, and how it seems to overtake my life at times. There will be days where the thought of doing some mundane task sends me into an hour to three hour stretch of full on procrastination. We're talking sitting on the couch staring blankly out the window, fiddling on my phone, mindlessly listening to music, that kind of thing. It isn't the task itself that is stopping me. It's not necessarily hard to clean up the kitchen, switch the laundry, or sand down the shelves I'm working on in the garage. For whatever reason (spoiler alert: there is a reason), I freeze up and get nothing done. 

Other days, I make a list and check off every single item. Nothing stops me and I plow through it. I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can stop me. I imagine that if you were able to witness my day, you'd see a whirlwind pass by you this way and that as I did each task at record breaking speed with top notch accuracy.

Okay. Maybe it's not that impressive.

But what I'm realizing is that I need to get to the heart of this procrastination. I would dare to even call it lazy although I truly hate that word. I'm about to get real with you and call it what it is.

It's sin.

Satan pounces on my heart at these moments. He sees the opportunity to stop me in my tracks and it works almost every single time. I hate admitting it, but it's so very very true. I can sit and stare, knowing that I have a,b, and c to do and still sit there. I will tell myself "just go do it, it will only take a minute or two and you'll be done with it" and also know at the same time that I'm pep talking myself that I will not get up from the couch. It's almost paralyzing, but the keyword there is almost. It doesn't have to be a done deal like that. Satan doesn't actually have to win. 

There is scripture that offers support for this. When Jesus is in the desert for 40 days, being tempted by Satan the entire time, he says "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" (Matthew 4:10)

Cool, right? Jesus, as our very own perfect example to follow, shows us that we just have to tell Satan to get away from us, and he will. That's it. We only serve one God, and it is not Satan.

Then there is this scripture, which I've fallen back to countless times in my life:

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Cor 10:13) (emphasis added by me)

So really, there is no reason that I can't escape those thoughts and actions. It is possible to get out of that rut. He doesn't ever allow us to be tempted more than we can bear. We have the free will to choose to turn away from it or to give in. It's our choice. The most powerful tool he gives us in those moments is to pray about it. To purposefully say "Get away from me, Satan" and ask, beg, plead for God's strength and mercy. And guess what?

Prayer works. So I need to do it.



Thanks for reading. Writing this out helps me process things I know but don't always do.

Rainy

It's rainy out there. The temperatures are chilly and the clouds are making the day feel more like night.

The baby slept in until 8:30 which is completely unheard of.

The toddler played quietly while I scrubbed carrots and listened to the new Avett Brothers' album.

Now I sit on the couch snuggled up with a blanket and a good book.

My coffee is hot.

I'm not planning on getting dressed until much later in the day.

The girls are playing quietly and seem genuinely content.

Sometimes, days like this bring about dread and poor attitudes. But today, I don't mind it.

Enjoy your Tuesday.


(pictures from the weekend)

our morning view

attempts at a four generation shot.

farm cats that don't act as wild as they claim to be

horses that Josie girl dreams about

she learned that cats can be fun to watch, albeit unpredictable

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Fostering short term

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind this week.

I have to admit, I have questioned God a bit. More than a bit. (A bunch?)

On Tuesday night, we picked up a sweet 3 1/2 year old girl. She's leaving tomorrow (Friday) morning. Just like that. Our shortest yet. Honestly, it hurts and I'm doing every single thing I can to avoid a bitter heart and attitude. I have no expectations when it comes to "long term" stays. I don't have a preference whether it is two months, six months, or two years. We are not doing this for us. 

It's just hard to feel like we are helping these kids when we are basically glorified baby sitters. Only having them for a week (or less as is the case this time) doesn't give us hardly any time to get to know them, let alone share Jesus with them. (No, we don't immediately start "evangelizing them." That is not the approach we take with sharing our faith with others. We pray that our daily lives, routines, prayers, and faith can make an impact and trust that God will shine through us. Especially when it is short term.)

Really, I know that we have to trust God, that he has a plan and that no matter how long or short the stay is, anything is possible. We more than likely will never know what impact we have made on any of these kids, but again, we don't do this for ourselves.

It doesn't stop me from being frustrated and discouraged. It's going to be hard to say good bye to this sweet girl tomorrow. I pray our hearts can heal and be ready for the next kiddo that comes our way, because there will be a next one. We're not done here yet.