Decisions, decisions

Easter weekend was tough. Audrey was tough. She spent 90% of it screaming and I spent 90% of the weekend struggling to understand what the problem was. 

After all of your suggestions and reassuring words from this post, I tried a bunch of things this weekend to try to help my supply. I tried feeding her every hour, taking the mama's milk tea (disgusting, by the way), pumping afterwards and in between feedings, giving her plenty of time to get every last bit, etc. Some of them worked but not for long. I had two good days with a great amount that filled her up, and then it dropped off again. Let me tell you, holding my screaming baby at 3:00 in the morning knowing that she's hungry and that I don't have enough to feed her rips a mama's heart out.

For whatever reason, my supply is just not holding on. I hate admitting it because that feeling of failing is right at the surface. I know that it doesn't mean anything and that I'm still her mom and good enough for her, but it's there. 

My options are to stop altogether or to do a juggling act between breast feeding and formula. It's less than ideal, but I'm willing to do it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping that my supply would come back in the meantime. I do realize that the chances of this are slim to none if I'm supplementing, but the thought is still there.

For now, I am feeding her until she won't try anymore and then giving her a couple of ounces of formula. We'll see how it goes.

That was how the weekend was with Audrey. Josie, on the other hand, had a great time. She went with the flow the whole time and was constantly providing a laugh. With the exception of church on Sunday (right at nap time), she was great. 

Most of the pictures I took were random phone pictures, but they still show a glimpse of the weekend.

Jo loves to wake up and play immediately when at Grammy and Papa's, so she spends most of the morning in her PJ's.

We went outside on Saturday afternoon but didn't have Audrey's snowsuit. It was sunny and nice (ABOVE 40 degrees) so we wrapped her up in blankets and Josie's sweatshirt. She was so cozy warm that she fell asleep with the sun shining on her sweet face.

Right before church, she was THIS tired.

We sat in the front row since my mom and sister were part of the praise team, and during Josie's meltdown, she decided the only person she wanted to be near was auntie Lara. That lasted for a couple of minutes, and then we all headed to the nursery....

...where she was happy  as can be since she got to play instead of sit in the uncomfortable pew.

It was an exhausting weekend. For everybody.

 Here's to a better week!

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One year changes

I dug through the archives and found this picture of Josie from last year's Easter weekend. The changes in just one year are incredible. From baby to toddler in the blink of an eye!

Yep... best picture I could get of her in her Easter dress.

Audrey's Four Month Doctor Appointment

A little warning: I may sound a little heated in this post because its only been a few hours since the appointment, but bare with me. 

I brought Audrey to the doctor today for her 4 month check up. I had some questions and was looking for serious answers, and I gotta say, my doctor did not deliver. At her last appointment (two months), I had brought up that she had these episodes where it seemed like she couldn't breathe. She would get this look on her face of pure terror, like she was choking, and then take a large breath after several (seemingly long) seconds. Of course this terrified her, and whoever was holding her or saw it happen, so I made a big deal about it at the appointment. The doctor referred me to a child specialist who told me that it was most likely a developmental thing and that she would grow out of it. Not very reassuring, but it didn't happen for a long time after that. It's happened twice in the last two weeks, so I guess she hasn't grown out of it. 

This time around, I was focused on asking about breast feeding/her growth and completely forgot about these episodes. After I left, I realized that she never asked me about it. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like it should have been something she wanted to follow up with. This doctor doesn't seem to remember us from appointment to appointment, so I shouldn't have been that surprised. Last time, I told myself that she would be more personable the more she got to know us, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

So back to my big concern this time. I touched briefly on it in Audrey's monthly update that the last couple of weeks have been tough for us with feeding. I feel like my supply has dropped a lot and combined with her growing appetite, she just never seems full. I've started pumping numerous times a day, sometimes after I feed her or if we're separated for a couple of hours (when she is fed a bottle). It has improved a little, but not back to 100%. I also have been focusing on guzzling water, but again, it has only helped a little. 

I've done a lot of research on this but am certainly no expert, so I was hoping the doctor could affirm or deny what I have already researched. Instead, when I voiced my concerns, she just said that I should make sure to have a healthy diet that includes a lot of dairy and protein. Ok, thank you doctor, but that is the most generic answer you could possibly give me. I was so disappointed.

On top of that, she jumped right into the topic of supplementing. Now I don't want to step on toes here, so please understand this. I have nothing against supplementing with formula (each parent has to make decisions based on their circumstances so there is no judgement here. Remember that we fed Josie formula from 3 months old until she was one), but we haven't exhausted or even really tried all of the options yet. To have her tell me that the only thing I can do is start giving her formula was depressing. Of course I will do that to make sure she has enough calories, but what else can I do to get my supply back up? The body can do amazing things, and it is most likely possible for this problem to be resolved. I just don't have the knowledge of how. I was hoping the highly educated doctor would. 

First time putting her hair up in a clip

She told me that Audrey's weight was concerning (great...) and that she wanted her to come back in a month to check her weight and make sure she is growing enough now that we've "talked about it." I didn't object because I hate confrontation, but I had my doubts about the whole conversation.

I think the biggest thing that frustrated me is that she just jumped on the conclusion that I had brought up. I had mentioned that my supply was low, that maybe I needed to supplement, and she considered that the end of discussion. I asked her straight out what else I could do, but she didn't seem to care or even notice that I was asking for help. 

One thing I've learned over the last couple of years is that if I don't like the doctor, I need to find another one and not go back. It's not worth it for me to be frustrated and disappointed after every appointment. I should be able to trust my doctor and ask as many questions as I want (which by the way is not that many... I'm not crazy over the top with questions). 

My questions for you are: Have you had problems with your supply not being enough? What did you do about it? Have you had issues with a doctor that just doesn't seem to care? Local friends: Any recommendations for a new doctor that I can bring both my girls to?

I had an awesome doctor when I was pregnant, but she moved on and got a new job. It's frustrating but also a little reassuring to know that not all doctors are impersonal and distant or rude. There are doctors that care, remember you and your questions, take the time to listen and come up with solutions. I just have to find one!

To help you understand my doubts, Audrey's weight is 12 lbs 14 oz which is between 25% and 50%. This is only slightly lower than where she was two months ago, and Josie had a much bigger drop than that as she got older. She just started up a lot higher from birth. Audrey's height is still at 90% with her being 24.5 inches long. 

The doctor made me feel like a failure because she isn't growing enough, when the chart she was looking at showed her to be doing just fine. That's frustrating, right?

I know in the long run this problem will seem minor, but it takes up a lot of my time, feeding this baby, and I want to do what is best for her. I want her to continue having my immunity through the breast milk as long as possible (she hasn't been sick yet! Josie had been sick more than once by this point if we're comparing) and I love the bond we have from it. I just am not ready to throw in the towel!

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Impromptu photo shoot

 I often take AJ's monthly photos while Josie's napping since she tends to be a bit of a camera hog. I was braver than usual this month, and the results were pretty funny. Josie was not impressed when I wouldn't let her be in the picture, but the minute I said "ok, your turn!" she was happy to lay down "like a baby" and get her picture taken. It was so fun to get them in pictures together!

Sure, I got some good shots, but here's the reality. Josie doesn't want to smile and stay put while I figure out the settings on my camera or wait for the flash, her swinging arms land on Audrey's head at least once causing her to cry, the flash finally goes off while I'm moving to console the baby, and the wristlet for the camera photo bombs the picture.

Win.

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